Coming Home Again

I'm leaving for home tomorrow at 6am.

Spending my night with the people I Love most...I'm glad Kara is going to Katie's going away thing with me.
I Love them Both So much.

Katie has been the greatest thing these past 4 months. It's funny cuz we lived together last year. But I have changed so much...and Appreciate her like no other. She is going to have an awesome time in Martinique. I already miss her!

Jamaica!! Can't wait...Omar! Pastor James! Petra! it's going to be awesome...Oh yeah and LEANN!! So pumped...talked to my mom about it for like an hour today :-)

Faith

Last night I went to a worship service that I friend was doing for finals. I'm not stressed about finals so it was just a time for me to just be around people that I Love.
I went with Katie. And Katie fascinates me because she is so mysterious. and Cynical. haha. But learning about her beliefs and what she questions on that walk that we went on was so great. We both have doubts. and she makes me feel more normal about the doubts that I have. Not that I care if I'm normal or not. --
I believe in God, and I have Faith. I know that Faith is one thing that always remains constant in my life. But sometimes with God I feel empty. If that makes sense. Christ is supposed to fill us. But I don't think it's as simple as that. A lot of times I do feel great. And right now I do. But last night I would say that I guess I was like katie. I guess I was cynical. One of the girls leading it...She believes. And her faith is great. And she is joyful....but does she ever question.
I used to be a lot like her. And I'm glad that I'm not like that all of the time anymore.
I learn more about myself everyday. And what it means to be apart of this world. And I don't know what my role is. Or if what I am doing is doing anything. Or that I'm not even doing anything. But I have faith that God will fill me.
*When I got my tattoo I was just going to have the fish be outlined. And it looked really cool. But then I had the guy fill it in because my Faith is not empty. It is not just an outline. It is filled. And I trust that Christ fills that. And that it overflows. and that when I am with people that they can see Jesus. I don't know that. But I trust. and I have Faith.
Jamaica in 4 days.

Somewhere else

People assume things....and that makes all of this hard.
If I just came in this year- then they would know.
It's a need.
I'm trusting that this is all in God's timing.
Talked to Kara on Sunday. We kind of touched the surface of what is going on.
It's hard to just say it.
I know I'm supposed to allow others to share in it...Well they do back home. But it's hard here.
Because the problem is here.
I'm thankful that I'm different. But it makes it harder.
The girls in the other apartment....uh. It's hard.
Maybe the group that transfers in at semester.
Maybe I'll fit in there.
But I can't look to the future.
I have to look to the now.
How do I make this great now!
I need this to be great now.
The inside.
It hurts.
It's like a cave inside...and I feel it.
Lay it down...
He fills that.
But there is a need....a need for that.

Joshua Radin

You asked me to write a tune
All about the things that go wrong
And then you asked me to come home soon
To the place where I belong

But you stand on the other side
Of the line in this place
And you can't see me, you are blind
And this you can fake
No, this you can fake.

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

And I don't know if I can write about
Chosen walls and the things you feel
And I don't know if I can sing aloud
Closing doors showing you what's real

But I know when I close my eyes,
Late at night, there's only one thing
The night's shown that she can lie
Its your fight, show me something
Can you show me something

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

What do you want me to say
All I know is love - it's ok
I'll write what I know
And you do the same
Tell me I'm sane.

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

Meaningless...

Trying to make my story worth something...But I'm not doing anything...

I don't think that this is the place for me. I feel like I don't fit in here. And I know it's not about fitting in and stuff like that. But...uh.

I miss being able to always have people that I can always be able to rely on to hang out with. It's lonely...and this past month it has just really hit me hard. And I have been taking it out on my family...and I'm annoyed by that.

When I talked to SuAnne this summer about changing...and finding new friends, cuz I was getting myself into the wrong things hanging out with the wrong people. She said she thought it might be interesting for me to go to a counselor and just see like what things in my life mean...or just things like that....I've been thinking about that.

There's something going on....and I don't know what it is.

In Millers new book he talks about how when we live...if what we do is worth remembering it's a good story. I'm not doing anything....let along anything meaningful...and I'm trying to change this...but what does that mean.

Jamaica in a week

New Life

My sister had her baby Tuesday morning...Madelynn Bryant. She wasn't supposed to have it until we were in Jamaica...So I was really happy that I got to see the baby.
*Picturing what Isabella and Madelynn's life will look like is a definite blur. Which is great. I mean no one knows what is gonna go on with anyone. I'm just trusting that God will capture their hearts. My sister is so unstable. And it scares me. But I know that things will go the way they are supposed to I guess...And well I'm not going to always like that way.
It's a desire of my heart....and I hope that it is filled. I am just waiting for the moment when she truly feels Him in her heart...and she falls madly in Love with Him.

--I have a lot of things to talk about....Read a new book, went to Tennessee to see my Grandpa, caught up with some of the best people in my life, realized those around me here at NPU mean more to me then I thought, and thoughts on Jamaica.....But all of that will be posted in Time.

***"If what we choose to do with our lives won't make a story meaningful, it won't make a Life meaningful either."- Donald Miller***

Anticipation

I am so excited to go home tomorrow night. I have not been home for a long time. And well I won't be home long because I leave for Tennessee Tuesday night...But I was only home for one night between Castaway and coming to school for Pre-season...So this will be nice. I'm excited to just relax with my family. And Drive..I Love driving so yeah. And every moment that I get with my family. Well I Love it. Even though we don't always get along...but that is what makes it. The Love I see between us is just a glimpse of Christs' Love for me. They do not Like all of the things that I do, or the things that I believe, and they can't stand the fact that I question everything....But they still Love me so much.
"How do you swallow all of me, when I can't even stand my taste."
And I know that they don't Love me because they have too. Because well if that were the case...well they wouldn't Love me. haha.

*I have been thinking about my story a lot lately. And what it means. It's used everyday...some days more powerfully than others. But it amazes me that the dumb things that I have done...can actually be used. Sharing my story with someone is the most vulnerable thing that I can do. It's me...and it's real. And it's how I am where I am at right now. It doesn't make sense to me how my story got me to where I am at...But that in itself is a picture of God and His never-ending Grace that is held out for me. People that I am around everyday here don't know my story. And well Katie and I have become so close in the past 2 weeks just because we have learned about e/o's story more and more. And well for that I am so thankful. Katie leaving to study abroad next semester is going to be really hard. But so great at the same time. She is truly a blessing in my life and I could not give thanks enough for her.

You have that Gift.

Today was great! I Love Katie J. And well I am going to miss her so incredibly much. It makes me want to cry. lol. But she is going to have an awesome experience studying abroad. And well I believe that we still have the rest of our lives. She is so great.
We hung out and played games and watched Now and Then at her house.
She brought up the fact that I'm really good at making friends....and that it's a gift that I have. If we weren't watching a movie we would have gone more into this conversation...Because well It's like an hour later and I'm still thinking about it.
-I need to use this gift that I have. I never looked at it as a gift that I have....so using it wasn't something that I have tried to do. It kind of makes me laugh...cuz making friends right now is what I am trying to do...and tonight was so great. It was with people that I enjoy the most. And that really makes my heart warm. lol. How do I use this gift? and not just in a way that is pleasing to others....but in a way that can also help me right now through all of this. hmmm...I will be thinking about this one for awhile...we know this. lol.

Long Enough?

I'm really annoyed.....I don't think that is right the right word....but it can be one of many.

Today was good though when it comes to Young Life...I feel like that is the only thing I have here at North Park...but I guess that's why I'm here. I met some kids at Roosevelt High School today...so that was encouraging...And one girl was really interested in Young Life...so that was VERY encouraging.

My Dad is so comforting. He told me today that I am probably alone...but that it's okay to be like that. Once again he ended the convo with something great...and then prayed for me...It's always about Joy and Peace. He knows me oh so well. And I Love him for that. I think he realizes how hard this is for me. But he is coming up to visit me December 5. So I feel so grateful for that. I can't Imagine living any farther from my family than what I do now. Which is funny because I have grown into that. My relationship with my family has changed so much. I like Long for them right now. haha. But that is probs because of what is going on here.. But it's good.
Just trusting in God. Or learning what that truly is. Until then....well....I just need to be okay where I'm at.

A friend told me a few weeks ago that I have been sacrificing so much of myself for others or to be okay with things....and that it is okay to satisfy myself. But I truly cannot satisfy myself.--I have been thinking about that all day.

Do we just go on....

So many things have happened since my last post-

-Camp went really well. The kids really did a great job. It is really awesome seeing them lead, and growing to be leaders everyday. Talking to some of the girls in the car on the ride home was great as well. It's awesome to see what God is doing with those kids. I am just so blessed to be able to watch.

-We had our team meetings. The one without coach didn't really get anywhere. But later that day coach had a meeting with us. He shared his story with us, which kind of caught me off guard. But for use to be open he knew that he had to open the floor by being open with us. I realized a lot of things during that meeting. Respect for me was one. And how does my team show me Love...or lack of Love in that case. There were things that I shared about my family that I wasn't even planning on talking about...def. cried. But it was good. All in all it was a successful meeting. --But now things are weird for me because of how honest I was....But in the end I'm sure it will be fine.

-Sunday night Pastor Peter Hong spoke about Relational Evangelism...Which has YOUNGLIFE written all over it. The things he spoke about really encouraged me for the things that I am doing. Doing homework and just hanging out at McDonalds where Von kids are is getting old....but he encouraged me to keep doing what I'm doing. It's doing life.....in places where they are at. Maybe I'll talk more about it in a later post.

-Yesterday I went to meet with the after school coordinator at Roosevelt HS with Elvin. She actually contacted me about getting information about Young Life.... Lets just say that God has opened a huge door. Seeing what it looks like is not in my sight right now....but God knows. And that is so awesome. And I feel so blessed that Elvin took me to the meeting with him. It was just really cool. And I just felt awesome afterwords. Be Big in this God!

-Club was great last night too. I Love taking kids home afterwords and getting slurpees at 7-11 is always awesome. And the kids like that.
-Our area leader meeting tonight was Bomb 2. I took 2 new potential leaders. Which makes me happy. God again Providing.
-Tomorrow we are meeting with students at Roosevelt...So Praying about that.
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Today I spent time in 1 Peter 4.
One thing that really stuck out to me is when Peter talks about sin getting old, and staying away from it. It really hit home because that is exactly what happened/ what is happening. Peter really encouraged me today in the loneliness and all of the things I have been experiencing this year. So that's great.

'sometimes following that nudge feels like the worst thing....but I am with you'

'You are capable of walking through Fire. You are not alone in this. Others may not agree with what you do or even understand it, but I Love you. And I am with you. Do not worry about the obvious obstacles that look as if they can take you down. When you feel like you have been 'burnt' or things get hot, remember that I Love you and that I am with you.'
^^This is what is getting me through every second of my day.
--I need to be Confident in the things that I am doing, and be Confident in the person that God has created me to be.

With that sad. This whole week has been crazy. Monday night a guy tried to tell me that my faith isn't true and real. And that got over trumped by the fact all of the new girls on the team quitting...and trying to make things better for them..to now 3 of my teammates hate me and think that I am attacking them. uh yikes...

But I'm working at Camp this weekend. So hopefully I can just not think about all of this that is going on. The meeting that we had with the freshman though really just broke my heart....and these other girls don't even know what happened.....and they are assuming otherwise.....
-I'm usually not the person to stand up for things like this. So I hope that this is all for the better.

I talked with Caroline tonight about how I am apart of this community...and it's almost forced. and I don't know how to get out without hurting other people. And where do I find that other community? I guess I just trust that God is going to bring it to me.....or I find it somewhere.
--Kelsey is great (there ya go) haha

Reasons for Doing...

There has been a lot of things that I have wanted to post on here for a while....But I haven't....and I'm probs not going to talk about them. But it's fine.

So tonight at 6 degrees we talked about a few different things that really had me thinking today other than chapel...So since 6 degrees was not long ago and that's fresher....I'm going to talk about that.
The text was Romans 14.
We basically talked about whether things are alright to do or not.
My thoughts or things that are going through my head-
The things that I do...if they are causing other people trouble or to stumble...than I am in the wrong. The idea of having a tattoo came up tonight. And well I have one. So the question of what does my tattoo mean and how does me having it affect others. Basically I thought about my grandma and how she doesn't know that I have it. But if she knew what would she do. I know that it is something that she does not promote. But because mine has true meaning....actually many meanings...so she would think differently. And I know that my Grandma respects everything I do...because most things I do that are big deals I put a lot of thought into. So then Basically I started to think about how much I Love my grandma...and called my dad. haha.
My Grandma is more than just a grandma to me. She is a friend of mine. One of the best friends that I have. And I took advantage of the time that my grandpa was around...but I was so young and didn't really know that my grandparents were so interesting...and that they weren't just old people.
I'm just thankful that my Grandma is still around and she means more to me than 95% of the people that I am around here at school. I wish I could be with her everyday. And I Love her so much. soo that didn't go where I wanted it to go.

Kindness and Love over trump morality. I don't want to think in terms of what is moral or good...I want to think and act in terms of Love and Kindness. What is truly going to help the people around me.
--Why do I do the things that I do--
Why do I wear the words Purity and Faith---What do those mean in my life?
Why are they important.

Is This About Me?

So instead of writing me paper on the Berlin Conference on West Africa....I would rather read blogs and write on my own.
So I just read Donald Miller's post from today. He talked about his new book and how he basically just wrote about himself...Made me think of this thing.
--I write on here...and I write about myself. Why Do I write about myself?..I mean I'm not going to really write about anything else....the Berlin Conference isn't interesting me enough to even write a paper about it. lol.
Miller brought up a point about the fact that when he writes about himself he can be kind of vulnerable because he isn't looking someone in the face....but at the same time still seem like he still has it together.
--He also mentioned that when he writes he can write about something...and it kind of makes him think that someone else cares. And that maybe what he is writing about himself can relate to someone else.

**Confession: I write in a Journal and a Blog. My journal is very broken. It's filled with Praise and doubt. It's filled with Shame and Confidence. My Journal helps me work out my thoughts with God and myself. My Blog is just kind of here to unpack other things. There is some emotion...and I think that's there so maybe someone can just read what I am going through. Other things that I write about are just thoughts...and maybe someone else is thinking the same thing. Or it fit their life as well. Then maybe there is a discussion that happens later in person or through comments that is pulled from a post.

--Why Do I Read Other peoples Blogs?
I think that sometimes I just get sick of myself. I'm really not the type of person that in a conversation just wants to talk about myself. In all honesty I'm not really confident enough to. and Also I don't really have great things to say....or have something interesting that went on. And most of the time I just want to hear about the person..(depending on the person though).
--I also like hearing about what others are reading or thinking about....it makes me think of things myself...Like this whole post.

Sometimes It's All You Need

I have had a lot of things that I have wanted to say since my last post...but I had failed to post them. So oh well.

So last week my Great Aunt passed away at age 92. She lived a great full LONG life. Her death pleases me in a way that I can look at her life and be like 'she truly lived.' I was kind of upset that I couldn't really go home for the funeral. My dad was in it, and I wish that I could have been there for my Grandma cuz they were very close. I called her Aunt Bernice. Sometimes I feel like I was closer to her than my own sister. But sometimes that really can't say much. But we were close. I just hope that my grandma sticks around for more years to come. I think that she is 89 now. She is like one of my best friends. I Love her so much. And she is a big reason that keeps me coming home during breaks at school. I want to spend as much time with her that I possibly can.
--So because my dad was in the funeral yesterday he couldn't come to the game..(which by the way I feel like I don't do anything....and I'm annoyed by my performance) So my mom made the trip up here by herself. My sister was supposed to come with her...but my mom waited around for 2 hours...and well guess who was a No show....That really makes me feel good. lol. And my Mom...she was pretty upset about the whole situation. But her and I just hung out. Talked about a lot of things which was good. Laughed together, shared stories. Just spent real community with each other. She was the shoulder that I needed to cry on last night. And I thank her for that.
I like have this feeling inside of me, and I think that I'm actually getting home sick. Which is weird because I spend a lot of time with my family during season. But I just want to be with my Mom and Dad. Which well in a Month we are all going to Tennessee to see my grandpa...so that will be great. But I don't know what's wrong with me.

-I had dinner with Kara the other night. It was so great to just listen to things that are going on in her life and just talk with her about things that really matter to me. I really enjoy the community that she brings to our relationship and the Love and just great friend qualities that she brings.
--Hanging out with Jenni was so good too! Time spent was not meaningless time whatsoever.

Galatians 6:7-10 was my study today.
"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."
-When I read this early this morning a couple of things came to my mind. Every action that I do or perform has results. What type of actions am I doing in my own life? Who am I trying to please?
Another thing that came to mind is this whole topic of doing what is right. When I do something that is right...or maybe it is an ongoing thing, sometimes it's hard to continue or even do in the first place because I cannot really see any tangible results. Is what I am doing really good? and if So why don't I see it being/doing good things? (just something that may come to mind sometimes.)
*In this text Paul Challenges us to keep doing good and trust for the results**
--Then I think why do I do good things for results?--I mean I guess it's because I am human, and people seeing that what I am actually doing is good and letting me know that what I am doing is good makes us as humans feel good. and probs makes us feel like it's worth something.
Anyways those are just thoughts. It was very encouraging to me today...Hope that it can Bless you.

....to face what I feel

So much went on yesterday...Too much.
--Getting chewed out was awful. Things like that Have never been said to me....well since things in the past with my Mom. So that was hard....
But my sister is so unstable in her life....and her husband is drinking again....and she is talking about leaving him....But she came up with my parents today...with my NIECE! I was so happy. Today was so good. My parents are so weird....lol. and not your normal parents...But that is why I Love them so much. They don't care. Uh. I Love them. And I Love how much they Love each other. And I'm glad that they got to meet Kara. Cuz well I know that they miss being a part of my friends' lives. So that's good for them.

We lost tonight...1-0...and that sucks. Cuz that would have gotten us into the tourny...So now we have to rely on others to loose. Oh well. I wish I had a stable spot on the team. But that is another story.

So I have other things to talk about that I was thinking about this week. lol. But SNL is on and Drew Barrymore is hosting :-)

SO FUNNY!

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/OM5IjE2HVXEaAw40

me and 3 of my teammates
Sarah is the scientist
Caroline is Frankenstein
Gina is the Lady
Emily is the Vampire...
And yes I am the Wolf lol

Everything

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? 

--Lifehouse--

Northwoods

I miss my church back home. They are doing a sweet series right now...But I can listen to them online....but I usually don't have time for that...But they are doing a Spiritual growth thing or something...and they are posting the training things everyday....So that's great.

http://blogs.nwoods.org/experience/

Check it out daily.

Some Will Seek Forgiveness...Others will Escape

So tonight I didn't really get anything done...which is kind of a bummer cuz I wanted to get at least half of my paper done...But it's okay. It isn't due until Thursday...But I want to go to the guys game tomorrow--but we don't have practice...so again homework party. ha. Tonight was more about Community for me. I bake pumpkin bread...so I took it to Colleen and Aaron. Chatted with them...(I prolly should have went over there to write this paper with them...but Kara was coming over...so packing up is annoying.) Came back to the apartment...and my Itunes playing just calms me...and being aware of God's presence. Then Kara came over....--The best distraction that I had all night--
I enjoy her company a lot. But our schedules don't mesh at all. So that's a bummer. Maybe doing Homework together will be our way of seeing each other...besides actually trying to hang out and talk. I really enjoy listening to the things that she has to say. She chews on things a lot. and I Love that because that is something that I really like to do. So to hear someone talk about something she chews on while I'm here at North Park is well I Love it.
--I said something tonight about something being out of my comfort zone so I don't do that...And I wish I could remember what I said it about...because being comfortable and avoiding something because it's out of my comfort zone...well it isn't something that I want to do. So shoot. What was it! eh anyways.
--Conversation with Kara is real...genuine...Love...Important to have. It's like Lori...but here. But not the same obviously cuz if Lori was here....well that would be awesome. And we would hang out every single day! lol. But I don't have that conversation with others here....and it's because what I have around me...I can't hold a conversation that means something with Michelle....which sucks cuz we sleep in the same room...but it just turns into I'm better than that....or that's dumb I will always be comfortable in my life....or her just trying to outdo something that I'm talking about. But Patience is something that I will treasure in this.

---I know that this is an obvious thing but I thought about it tonight while talking to Kara...Reading the Bible shows me new ways of the one that I serve. Of the one that I Love. And I want to read His word because I want to learn more about Him daily so I can learn how to Love him more each day. And it all goes back to the way that I see my parents Love each other. They learn each day a better way to Love one another. And that is what the Word shows me daily. If I Love the One that I serve more than anything...learning how to show Him that Love comes from his Word daily. ---

Cindy came over for some Pumpkin bread after Kara left. Taking me away from my paper...But it was great to just talk to her about the Psalm that I'm writing about and to just talk about our bodies....and she wanted to know about my back...and how much pain I really am in. Which was good...cuz I don't ever talk about my pain that much. So her asking really made me think about it.

So now I'm gonna write again...Which is great because while the rest of the world is sleeping....or when the only company I have right now is Great company--it's the best time to write.
"I want to learn to Love you like you have never been Loved before."-MT

Going to Pastor Judy's house tomorrow for 6 degrees. I don't really know what to expect....This is definitely out of my comfort zone to meet with people that I really don't know...But that is what life is about. He's not going to give me change....but he gives me the opportunity to change....or to do anything.

You Say

So I spent almost 6 hours today in the Library figuring out the exegesis meaning of Psalm 62 for a 7 page paper. I found out while doing my research and coming up with the meanings for different things within the verse and within Book 2 of the Psalms that 7 pages is probs gonna be an easy number to get to. Well I hope at least. I feel like this is gonna be more than 7 pages....but then again I like to make my point and be done.
But doing the exegesis on the Psalm was really cool. Hard/fun...but cool. I'm going to start using the notes that Boaz gave us for the paper for when I am just doing my daily Devos. It's useful...I get a lot of different things and views out of it, and it's more interactive with the Word.
Anyways...it's due Thursday...and because I want to know everything about...and go above and beyond cuz I enjoy it....I am going to be really busy this week. Which leads to my next thing...
--I don't want to allow myself to become to busy for the relationships that I want to invest time into. I have already done this to one already this semester....actually just in prolly the past 2 weeks. And I'm not really involved in anything. I just spend my time....or maybe waste my time in community....or if you can even call that community....with other people. And I'm really sorry about this. I don't want this to slip away. God gives me opportunities...It's my choice on whether I take them or not. So especially this week...and weeks to come when I'm extremely busy with school...I need to prioritize my relationships....I'm shorting those people...and it's not fair for them.
And I haven't even really started YoungLife stuff yet...besides mentally and praying about what should be done...All I'm doing is meeting with my team every other week. But once I start working with Kids and stuff...or planning more....Life gets crazy...
--Learning about what's important everyday--

College Life was prolly one of the best that I have ever been at. Especially after last week. Last week was good for me...but I was more broken then....and just really felt like crap...but good at the same time....Tonight it was just God and I like last week...but I don't know. And P.Judy being completely honest just helps me be honest with myself and others when it comes to the issue.
So Basically I'm a very independent person....and it's a bad thing...I need to rely on others a little more. Which sounds funny...but being too independent is just as bad as being too dependent....there is a good balance between the two...I just have to find that...and ask God to help me be okay with being Uncomfortable in allowing people to help me....or making people feel as if they are needed in my life....That as a 'Body' I need them. Living like this gives others a picture of what community looks like....what REAL healthy community is. I grew up basically taking care of myself...With really no one around to help me. It is all that I really know. My family was like that 2. I pray that God helps me with Community. Maybe all I'm missing is the willingness to allow people to do things for me in my life. Maybe that is the opportunity I am passing up. Maybe the opportunity is the fact that I don't see if people want to hang out...I'm so Independent that I would rather sit and do something by myself than invite someone...cuz in all reality I think that people have better things to do than to hang out with me...But really maybe all they need is for me to be like hey....tomorrow Starbucks? or something. Ashley-Get uncomfortable. And I thought that I was...looks like I'm still a little comfortable.

I have alot of things on my mind...But it's 2am....Time to try and fall asleep....I don't know why...but I haven't been able to sleep well all through the night since wednesday. I get like 2 hours...lay there for 2 hours...and so on. It's probs not healthy...But I don't understand. Maybe I'm stressed...or maybe this Community thing is getting in my head..Or other things that have been going on...But I hope that tonight I can fall asleep when I lay down....Or after a little while....not after laying there for 3 hours....But I'm not really tired now....but I just want some solid sleep...

'Teach me to Love You life I've never Loved before'

Talk it out...

This sickness is going away....thank God.
--I'm still very emotional....which is weird cuz I'm an emotional person to start out with... but being broken (I guess that is what this is) has a lot to do with it. My heart breaks for other people right now...just peoples lives and they way that they live...or the ways that they see things. I understand people see things differently...but living like this is annoying to me. Okay God....I'm not comfortable...now what are you going to do with this. I guess I'm just gonna vent a little bit right now....which is something that I try to avoid on here....but I need to.
So tonight I'm on the phone with Katie....about meeting up....Michelle (current roommate) is like shouting the EF bomb....which slightly annoys me for many reasons....so I get off of the phone....Dude language check....that could have been my Mom on the phone.....So she uses the Ef word a lot and talks about how she doesn't care---well I do...and I have respect for me Mom and what she hears....or in this case Katie---the she continues to say I have been on my period for 2 weeks I have a reason to be like this....TIME OUT!--I don't care if you are dieing...you have no reason to not act out of Love....So then I walked off quickly...and cried...What the Heck AJAY! crying because of that...I just think that she is stressing me out...cuz Love is hard in this situation. Lord teach me to Love the unlovable.
Last night was really hard to..cuz I honestly felt like I was dieing in bed....and she was yelling with a friend in the apartment....Sarah even told her I was sleeping...but I don't get it. She is like a child....It's okay. My dad said sometimes people just need someone to take care of them in life....I need to get past my Independence and remember that some people need to be taken care of I guess. Uh. I'm done...I hate complaining.

So John Burke in Soul Revolution brought up a great point the other night...and it has been making me think for the past few days.--"If we stubbornly plug our ears to God's will in ONE area, we won't hear in ANY area." So like if I feel a little nudge....and I don't go out on a limb in Faith....It will be harder for me to hear that Nudge...or feel that nudge for the bigger things in my life. Take for instance....recently- 'Ash...you should call her right now.' So I don't cuz I'm like why... that's weird, we are both to busy for each other. an hour later- 'Ash you should call her' anyways you get the point... I don't. So instead of taking that small leap of Faith and calling that person...I'm plugging my ears to God's will in One area...that's just a small example. So I haven't trained myself to openly hear all of God's will(s) upon my life....so hearing bigger will(s) becomes harder....cuz I haven't trained myself....I don't know if that makes sense....but it hit me.
-I haven't been allowing myself to truly rely on my Faith lately. I have Faith God will provide community....But I don't live that way. I still go out on Saturday nights with the community I feel comfortable in....Why? I have Faith tattooed on my Body....It's there for a reminder...ah. anyways. Come on Ash!


**--Today Larry Acosta spoke at Chapel....One thing he said really stuck with me.
"It's that pain that allows me to be more Relevant to the people around me."
---SuAnne pretty much said that exact same thing to me this summer when I came home. It was just reassuring... And the follow up to that in my own life....is that Change that is being made...that has been made....that allows me to be even MORE Relevant to the people around me. What do people see when they see me now?--that girl that didn't care how she was representing herself and the way that she was representing Christ---or that girl that wakes up daily trying to allow the Holy Spirit to take control of her life and lead her through the mess of life?


I want to live my life....the way that a child lives every day.....I want to have Faith like a child has Faith. I want my Faith to be new and renewed everyday. Dieing daily because of that Faith..
This post has to end.....Goodnight.

.....

Today sucked!!
I'm really sick.....so that's annoying. I never get sick....
and well coach told me today at practice that I'm not playing on Thursday....which is fine....But we are playing Wheaton......I don't understand this.


Last night was weird...My heart broke in College Life and I felt it. I have never been that emotional at something like that. The tears just kept falling....and I couldn't speak. I don't know....I know what I was feeling...Loneliness....lack of Community....fear of things..... It was too much...But SuAnne called me right after which was a God thing. But alright....Bed time.

One Day at a Time

One day at a time I will walk this road I've traveled so far
One day at a time well I know I will carry on
One day at a time I can see you took my life this far
One day at a time I will take this faith along

All this hope I breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and I'll take all I will
To understand this plan you have for me, for me

I've been shut up shut down held out held down
In ways I never knew I would
But I can feel your fullness in my life
Well I've been burned out broken torn out torn down
In ways I never knew I would
But I can feel your fullness in my life

one day at a time

One day at a time I will take these words you've given me
One day at a time I will rest in knowing you
One day at a time I will share this gift you've given me
One day at a time I will walk these valleys through

And all I know is that I see
How much my heart is longing to be cradled by your side
Yeah, I'll give all I can
To one day soon be held by your hand, by your hand



In all these things I will press on,
I'll be with you I know it won't be long

Jeremy Camp

Yikes

I can't believe we lost tonight. But I'm glad that Paige did well...and that I didn't have to play. But whatever is going on out on that field....It has to change! I don't get it. Oh well. Carthage on Saturday...Lets do Work! fa sho. haha

Trying to be aware of God's presence throughout my day. Every hour. and trying to Converse with him about everything.
-It's hard, but so great. Doing life with God.....teaching me how to do life with others....cuz well...well first I have to trust God for people to do life with. But that's the joy in it I guess. lol.

--I'm tired. Physically and Emotionally. I'm just kind of Blah...but so good at the same time. Weird I know. But I kind of just want to go home....being here is still weird.

Trying to Find a place...

I don't know why I write in this thing. People don't really read it...and I don't care. ha. It just sometimes makes more sense when I write about things here...than the way that I write in my Journal. Because I do write in that all of the time...actually way more than I write on this Blog. I don't know. Eh anyways.

Community...What is that? I see it...and I have experienced it..I am apart of different communities...and I have community. But here is what is on my mind:
I'm a part of a community of people...but I don't want that to be my main community and it is. And it's not a healthy one for me to be in the center of. So I am slowly pulling myself out of it. I no longer participate in the things that they do...and they respect me for it...and they don't judge...well I don't think that they do, but they don't pressure me to do anything that I don't want to do. I Love them....don't get me wrong there. It's just not the type of community I need to be involved in. So I am getting out. But it's Lonely...For sure. Hands down. I can't even lie about that right now. I feel well I don't know if empty is the word..but I feel it in my stomach.
So now you say...well you are out of the community...so Join one...UH! I know I can't do this on my own...and I have been praying about it. But it's so hard. At North Park people are so comfortable within their groups that it is stepping on egg shells to try and get in....if you didn't start there. And maybe that is me being to comfortable just being alone....but really how comfortable is that...Not very. Only for a while. But then it just eats at you....and you fall into something else...something that is not so positive. So going out of my comfort zone and being Awkward with other people...so hard. And like with passing with people it's great... I know alot of people...and I Love alot of people here....but I'm not apart of their group. So in passing like I said is great.
So all of this is just really frustrating I guess. And trying to find my place in all of it just brings me back to myself and well Christ. Which is great. But like P. Judy said....we were created to be with others. Adam needed Eve. So this can only last so long.
I knew it was going to be hard. But it almost feels like a waste of time. I am taking advantage of the people around me....but how am I supposed to get connected with them?

LOVE....when it's said

I know that I talk a lot about Love....and Understanding what Love is and what Love actually looks like is something that I have been able to grasp more now than I ever have. I mean it is something that we will never truly understand the whole meaning of. I mean Mercy is the ultimate...well I think it is ...form of Love that is shown...and understanding that is crazy.
A couple of days ago I texted a friend and said I Love you.... But what odes that mean. What do I mean when I say that. I understand what Christ means when he tells me that he Loves me. But I understand that more...Mercy and Grace....But is that what that means when I tell someone that I Love them?
I know well yeah I know how to show someone Love....and I know what it is like to Love someone. But what does it mean to Say I Love You?

This prolly makes no sense....but it made sense in my head the other day. And well it still does.

All I Know- Matt Wertz

I don't know how the stars hang
Or how there's night and then there's day
I dont know how you spoke into the black
And made it all obey

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

I don't know how your love works
How you cover me in grace
I don't know how you swallow all I am
When I can't stand my taste

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

I can't explain your mystery
But I know the answer

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

Walt Mueller

Well Walt Mueller puts this very well....So I'm not gonna talk about it..you can read it yourself.

VMA Thoughts...

http://learningmylines.blogspot.com/

List of random 15

1.) I'm scared
2.) How do I get that Community in my Own life?
3.) The VMA's describe the generation every time they are on.
4.) Defining the West in the paper than I am writing makes me want to go back to Jamaica so bad.
5.) Sam Boul wanting to be on my leadership team for YoungLife makes me so happy and excited right now.
6.) Soon Cha spoke the same thing that P.Judy talked to me about on Friday.
7.) I really really hope that my knee feels fine when I wake up...and that nothing serious is wrong.
8.) 6 degrees..I think I'm gonna do that this year. I just have to email P.Judy back about it. It's been on my heart.
9.) Hanging out with Lori's sister today just made it more harder for me that Lori isn't around.
10.) I have so many things that I want to know right now...but I know that I won't know them until God wants to reveal them to me.
11.) I can't wait to spend time with my family on Saturday again. They are the only Community I am comfortable in right now...
12.) Being comfortable isn't what this life is about though!
13.) Having Faith.....It's easier to say
14.) LOVE
15.) Reveal to me the Desires of my heart...They are there...and I know I am longing for something...but I don't know what it is...or maybe I'm afraid to admit to what it is.

What's it like...

I met with Pastor Judy on Friday...and After that I was supposed to meet with Coach....well I couldn't because I just needed to sit in my room and cry and think about everything.

--Basically what I am trying to do is Impossible...and it's true. I cannot try to change my lifestyle on my own. I am trying to do it all by myself. Because the result of my lifestyle is Loneliness...and All summer I thought that was what I needed to change...I needed to fill that loneliness with Christ and not this lifestyle that is so easy to fall into. But really okay yeah that is true. But it is my nature...because I am human to want people. Adam needed someone so God gave him Eve. So it is impossible for me to just sit here at night so I don't go out with my 'friends.'
-Now where do I find that community. Uh here at North Park it's so hard because everyone already has their groups... and it's so hard to just join a group of friends when you didn't start off that way. And I'm shy. Uh it's just so hard and it makes me want to leave. Loneliness hurts and it's eating at me. I can be surrounded by a room full of people though and still be alone. And the result of that is that it isn't real community. Judy had a lot of other great things to say....cuz well she is so great. But that was the gist of the meeting I guess.

So my Knee is Effed up. And it's annoying. It just like gives out when it feels like and I can't do anything. So I was pretty pissed off yesterday. But I got to see Dave and Paula...which was awesome. I Love them. They are so great.

With all that Said...I had Wine last night. I knew I would fail in this...but it's how I react to it. But I only had a couple of glasses and well I just wanted the pain to go away before I went to bed...and that did it. But still....it's hard. Eh...anyways.

Too much.....
night for the Journal



meeting with pastor Judy tomorrow.

For more than a Feeling

So many things. And I don't really remember what I talked about last time... So I'm sorry if I repeat myself.
I Think about things so much...things. I know Ms. Scott (writing 4 college teacher sr. year) would say...'Ajay...things...really- that is so broad...and not a good writing word.'--but Ms. Scott..... I think about many things....so that is the word I'm using to describe it.
Sometimes I think about what I'm thinking about...and then I think about how I started thinking about that....and then it's just a thinking fiasco....
Webster defines thinking as the process of using your mind to consider something carefully.
I think...ha. that I tend to think too much. Bah....enough with that...I'm bored with that Topic.


So I met with Elvin and Greg tonight....I don't know if intimidated is the word...but I'm gonna use it...Von Steuben scares me right now....We have nothing there... I don't know where to start...and well I don't have to know...but I do. ha. Relying on God entirely for this. Faith...it's the only thing that remains constant in my Life.....Use it. I am Trusting. I don't want to do what I want to do though....but maybe that is what needs to be done....but I don't even know that yet. Yikes. Starting from Scratch. Elvin Trusts me so much. He truly has faith that I am capable of going into a High School and start Young Life....that is something that people that are on Young Life staff do....even if they do that. EF... ha. Elvin called my parents last week thanking them for letting him have me up here. lol. Wow. Building my team....That is my goal for this semester. Just hang out with these College kids.... and Mentor them....Uh... I have never done this before. Grant me the Wisdom oh Lord my God!

So in the book I have been reading....it's about the 60-60 experience that John Burke did at his church in Texas.....So basically every 60 min. for 60 days....or for life. lol. So every 60 min...you get something that interrupts you...watch...reminders too...anything. And the Goal is an ongoing min-min conversation of willingness with God. So every time you are reminded you remember that God is with you, and reengage in conversation with him. Reflect every hour on the character of God...Thank him for that throughout the day. So basically * the goal is to stay consciously aware all through your day that God is with you and desires loving, trusting relationship. staying in this contact....he will lead you into the life that you desire (which is the life he desires for you). It's kind of a lot...and maybe confusing....but I'm excited. And I want to get a partner in this....to just talk about it with and go along side each other in this process..and see how God works. It will be hard for a while....But uh...constant communication with God. It's something that I did very well Freshman year through Breath Prayers (Props to Brad Nassif--LOVE HIM and that Class).

**So with that... I have been thinking about the question of --What do I desire? like Truly Desire... and How am I trying to get it? I have been thinking about my Desires for this school year...for this week even....and for my life. It's hard. And where do I honestly struggle to trust God's Love or goodness?
It's so hard to see that God provides through Love. Because I know right now what I am feeling is pain.....weird pain. It's like that thing in your chest (the way that I would describe it to Lori..haha)
--And I know that I desire to be full and not alone. But Loneliness is always there...and well I know that....and we constantly talk about this...And filling that Loneliness with You..(Christ) is enough...and you provide everything else..and that's true. and I believe that....but I am human. So that's hard. ---yikes my thoughts are jumbled and all over the place and are confusing me.

--My team is I don't even know. I just hope they don't get in trouble....and I hope some of them realize their potential before they end up like I did.....You don't want to represent yourself like that....and other mistakes come along with that....I know....Uh

Identity

I'm pretty I don't even know how to describe it right now. I went out with the girls tonight because Caroline was going...and I don't want her to drink...she has so much potential. And I don't know if that is even it. I just see people doing things that I did and it frustrates me because I know what it is like to be lost in finding your identity...whether you want that Identity to be represented through Christ or in Christ....or whether you want to be someone else...and maybe you are that someone else...but I believe everyone has a way weller....Shalom.... way of representing themselves I guess. But I think a lot of things that don't make sense....or that others are completely confused about. But it's okay...I'm just trying to find my play in all of this I guess. It's so old though...like for them...doesn't it get that way...
I guess it takes a very long time for people to see that. I mean it took my father years....I'm just so blessed that God is providing me strength to do this now...and that he has made it old for me.

My parents came to my game today...and then I rode home with them...and well it was so fun. We drove down the Lake the whole way...and stopped at a park on the way. And it was so fun. And ah.. I Love them so much. And they care about me in a way that makes life with them...or the way that I Love them so different from everyone else. I just have to ask for Patience when I am with them...But well they are older and they don't really care what people think of them...and that's awesome. I respect them so much for everything that they do...and their Faith...it is so evident that they are growing together in Christ more everyday. I just want to represent them as well when I am forming my identity. They are definitely two people that I do not want to disappoint. I know that no matter what I do in life they will always be proud of me...but I want to respect them...and by being a person of Faith....an uncomfortable Faith is what I want to be for them. And well I make mistakes....EVERYDAY. but it happens. Uh I Love them.
They Bought a new car on Friday...and I'm excited for them. ha. It's great to see them experience things together.
--------
There are some people that are in my life right now that make me I don't even know. But they are so good for me to have in my life. BLESSED. and Why. Grace....It's crazy. I'll never fully understand it...and that's what makes it so AWEsome. And I'm okay with not understanding...but I don't really understand a lot of things. But lately I have been questioning things more....I think Meghan rubbed off on my there a lil' but....but being with Lori this summer rubbed off on my even more....and it's so GREAT! Well it's very late....No School tomorrow...NO Practice...I'm sleeping for a while...watching Grey's....and making myself Breakfast....

Dave Barnes- Grace's Amazing Hands..Beautiful

Grace's amazing hands, they hold me.
They are soft as a feather bed.
They would never strike or scold me,
Cause they know the words that will work instead.
I always thought that love was frightening,
I always thought it'd be so rough.
Love has sent me down an angel, baby
I knew it was Grace, just by a touch.
Just by her touch.
Grace's amazing hands, they're ugly,
They're bruised by the blows that I have blown.
She knows well I don't deserve her,
But she laughs and says, That's the way love goes.
I always thought that love was frightening,
I always thought it'd be so rough.
Love has sent me down an angel baby,
And I knew it was Grace, just by her touch.
Just by her touch.
What did I do,
What did I say?
For love to smile down on me,
And show me amazing grace.
C'mon and show me grace
Grace's amazing hands are they're ugly,
But they are soft as a feather bed.

What a Picture

Can we just talk about how much I Love Love right now. lol. If that makes sense. Tonight I played Euchre with the girls again...and then afterwords Caroline and I played the guitar and Kara sang...and cindy...but Uh Kara! Just singing and playing with that group...I could feel Love. Just closing my eyes and hearing Kara. LOVE.
I'm so blessed to be living right next to Kara. Cuz I know if we didn't these things wouldn't be happening. Well I can't say that cuz well God has the upper hand to that. But God is making all of this happen...and I Love it!

Tomorrow is a very busy day.
1st real game. Lets see if the old lady still has it. lol.

One Day At A Time

One day at a time I will walk this road I've traveled so far
One day at a time well I know I will carry on
One day at a time I can see you took my life this far
One day at a time I will take this faith along

All this hope I breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and I'll take all I will
To understand this plan you have for me, for me

I've been shut up shut down held out held down
In ways I never knew I would
But I can feel your fullness in my life
Well I've been burned out broken torn out torn down
In ways I never knew I would
But I can feel your fullness in my life

one day at a time

One day at a time I will take these words you've given me
One day at a time I will rest in knowing you
One day at a time I will share this gift you've given me
One day at a time I will walk these valleys through

And all I know is that I see
How much my heart is longing to be cradled by your side
Yeah, I'll give all I can
To one day soon be held by your hand, by your hand

--Jeremy Camp

NC

I'm really glad that I am going back to New Community this year for Church. Pastor Peter is so good. The teaching there is so full and rich....and well it's learning...it's stuff that isn't just for Sunday. It's challenging. and it's for Life.
Last year for church well where I went was good for me at the time...because I didn't need to be taught.... I really just needed the community that I had there. But this is so great now.
And I Love going with Kara....Because well she is so great. And So Real...And so Honest...and well just so Cool.

I don't want to intimidate people by the way that I have changed. Or the way that I am living now. When I was talking to Meghan the other day I was thinking about that. I don't want that to change our relationship in a negative way. I know it won't when it comes to our relationship. But I don't want intimidation or other things to be there. I know that being controlled isn't something that is gonna happen. And well falling at every lift isn't gonna happen either.
But I'm glad that she is around...and time allowing I hope to hang out with her a lot. Cuz well she is So Great. And I still believe that. I think she is greater now than when I left before. Okay things were weird...and I got hurt. But Suck it up! lol. What we have is hopefully Awesome.

Week 2....Make it Rain!

Soul Revolution

I'm reading this book called Soul Revolution by John Burke. Well I have been reading it for like a year now. ha But I never got all the way through the first chapter because this book calls for honesty...and willingness to change or question I guess. And well until Now I haven't been willing to do that. Or considered...or wanted to...or I guess I didn't even know where to Start. But anyways this book is so good to me right now. I thought this book sucked until last night. Ha. It raises this question though. And well ask it to yourself. I don't know what it exactly looks like to you.

"What if life's deepest longing, sewn into the fabric of our souls, is to express and experience the love of the greatest, most beautiful, knowledgeable, caring being in the universe? To do life with the one who loves you more than any other?"- J. Burke.

I just want to write about so many thoughts right now...But time will not allow it.

Here is one thought though. My parents...
Their 20th wedding anniversary is coming up and I have never seen Love between them like I have these say past 3 months. I have actually never really seen Love between them. But This summer I saw them Love each other more everyday. They put up with a lot of crap between each other. But they are both growing in Christ, and with each other. I mean I have been blind to Love...well a lot. So maybe I just didn't see it before. I mean my Mom sticking with my Dad for all this time has been Love...and my Dad sticking with my Mom during other times...well that is Love too. But I really am happy for them, and So grateful that God has given me a picture of what Love is between my parents. He has blessed me with seeing Love between other great people...My grandparents being one...and well other peoples parents like Meghans, Dinks and then of course with SuAnne and Dave, and Julie and D. So it's not like I haven't ever seen Love between two people like that. It's just more personal now.
And even when it comes to me. This summer people loved me. Not like a cocky way...but like people showed me Love...and I got to experience that. And I also had people who well suck at showing Love...or are clueless as to what my Love languages are. So that's like effed up. But I well it's Love!

--And I'm super frustrated with my roommate

So Old

Last night I went to a party...The freshman were there too. The other girls were trying to get them to drink...I'm glad I went cuz they saw someone at the party who didn't have to drink. So that was good. But that scene is so old. There is another party tonight...and those girls are gonna go again and I want to go just so they don't feel the pressure to drink...But It's so lame. I would rather sit at my apartment and do homework by myself...and watch TV. lol. but oh well.
-Those people just annoy me now. What they do isn't fun. Binge drinking...REALLY! I mean when I'm 21 I will drink because I just want to have a drink cuz it tastes good. But getting trashed isn't fun. Eh. so weird.

I was sitting outside helwig today...and I saw Meghan. That was nice just to give her a hug and see her. It's been awhile. We are supposed to go out for coffee today...Hope it happens. Cuz I plan on it. And I'm excited. I have a lot of things that I want to say but I'm curious to hear what she wants to talk about. I used to be really excited to see as to where God was taking our relationship...but now I don't really care. I'm kind of just over it. Well I tell myself that. But I am prolly not. I'm a lot different now...So I don't know what we will have in common. She prolly won't even like me anymore..ha. Oh well. I'm fine. God will provide. and I trust in that.

1 John 4:16

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

AMEN!

You're coming back...You just don't know it

Kara decided not to play soccer with us this year because she wasn't gonna be able to put 100% is soccer and Worship team at the same time...and well she came to school here for Worship. I totally understand her reasoning and where she is coming from. She was just so good...and one of the best assets to our team this year. But it's okay. Tonight on the bus though I really wish she would have been there. But I'm so glad that I had the opportunity to get to know her last semester and the beginning of this year. She is so great. Definitely an awesome friend...and someone that I need right now. God is providing in that category in a way that I would have never imagined. I love the people that I am around....well the opportunities that he has given me to make new friends is amazing.
Playing Eucher with Kara, Sarah, and Emily last night was so fun.

Tonight we went to Benedictine and won 5-0...it was just an exhibition game...and well if my job could be that easy all of the time...well that would be awesome. I really like the community on the team. I just hope it's a good year on the record side as well.

Meghan texted me tonight about hanging out. I was surprised. I really am trying not to bend at her every move. I get walked all over in these situations too much...and it's because I put in too much...and I don't get back...It has to be GIVE and TAKE. And I learned a lot about that this summer. And this thought is done. lol. I don't know where I was going with that at all.

I am having my team meeting at my apartment Sunday for YoungLife. Still discussing with God about what the 'win' is going to be. I'm excited to see what he has up his sleeve.

Raised $234 for Pastor James this summer. My tithe equaled $150...so that was good. My dad informed me that when he asked Pastor how he was doing he was talking about his car and how he didn't have any idea how he was gonna come up with $180 to get it back on the road....So Praise God for blessing the group of girls with that money to give to him. And he is going to take food to Omar. Uh. LOVE! God is so Good. I pray that he continues to bless Pastor James for all of the amazing work that he does.

I have so many things I could ramble about...but I'm tired. Having my own Washer and Dryer that I don't have to pay for is making me smile REAL big right now though.
Oh Donte texted me today. I'm really glad that he isn't around here anymore. I know that I would try not to go over there...but this is even better. I have this opportunity...and I'm taking it!

It's a new year...

Collegelife last night was really good. Pastor Judy...wow. I really want to take advantage of her office hours this year.

-She talked about how as Christians we become tourists when it comes to following Jesus.
We take pictures...visit...have a good time. But we don't stay.
--In my relationship with Christ I cannot stay where I am and hope to grow. I can't settle. I have to ALLOW my life to be transformed.
--In my Faith I need to be dissatisfied. No one moves on if they are satisfied. When we are dissatisfied we satisfy ourselves with earthly things and we become numb to that dissatisfaction. I Partied more when I was dissatisfied. And that is how I lived my life last year.
--In my Faith I have to have a Longing. I have to be in a state for longing for something better.
This year..and forever... I need to live in a way that people will Long for it!
I need to live in such a way that people will Long for something Better

*I No longer want to be who I was.
Jesus calls us to Life & and Life abundantly.

+The one calling you away from what you know is Good+

What is it that I feel God wants done...

I just got on facebook and this was in my inbox...
Hello girls!
I was sitting in Church today, and we were talking about being in a community of fellow christ followers, and people to help hold you accountable. I couldn't help feeling relieved Friday in the car with AJ, Lauren, and Kara when I could not feel awkward playing the Christian radio station, and it was uplifting just having and hearing conversations regarding faith and where you thought God was leading you in your lives.
Well the reason I'm writing is... remember during the 3min talking circle, where I said I STILL struggle with the girl I was and the woman I am trying to be? Well keep this between us.... but when I hang around people like Gina and Hunter it is easy for me to going back to acting in a way that I know is reverting me back to the sinful ways I used to follow. I can start to talk negatively about people, and seem to condone behaviors that are not healthy or uplifting. So I guess the purpose of this message is that after this weekend with you all, and the message in Church today, I think I really felt God was trying to tell me that in order to BE who I want to become, I have to hang around people who are LIKE what I want to become. SO I guess what I'm rambling about is.... I am asking that you guys help hold me accountable. I'm not really sure what that means, maybe you can help me figure out what that means.... the only thing i DO know, is that I need it. I need more people like you guys in my life.

And if you tell anyone I got sentimental I will kill you.

That is from one of my Teammates Stephanie. Someone that I have admired since coming here my freshman year. I think it is kind of funny that she sent this because this is the exact same way that I felt about the car ride and just other things that are included in this. I'm really excited to see where God is going to take this. --SO that was just a lil' side note... now to what is on my mind.

I just met with Elvin(my area Director). He is such a great man. We just talked about getting into Von Steuben..and if it would be cool if all of the leaders from North Park that we get... become apart of my team. And then we talked about okay...when we get these leaders how am I gonna get them kids. He wants each leader..including myself...to be connected with 3 kids. So each leader will be intentional with those three kids. So if I have 6 leaders on my team..and then me that is 21 kids that we are directly connected to. Not just oh we know these kids, but we are taking these kids out...Praying for them, Playing with them, and Paying for them. Then each of those kids are prolly apart of a friend group that has 10 kids. So that is 3o kids a leader and well you do the math...that's Club... Bringing all those kids together and presenting them the Gospel.

-So now what Elvin wants me to do is come up with a vision for Von. What is Von's win gonna be? I don't know what that is going to look like, but God does...so I definitely need to pray about this. I don't even know what direction to go towards. My first goal/Vision is each leader get 3 kids. Maybe that is my win for this year... I don't know yet. Maybe the win is each of those 3 kids make it to camp next summer...I don't know..it's all God on this. I just have to listen.
-The second thing that I have to come up with is what do I want my cap on leaders to be. We get too many leaders and I am not able to help them out the way that they need to be helped. I don't get enough and well my platter will be way way full. Right now I'm thinking 7 is a good cap. But then again God prolly has more in mind cuz I'm just thinking that number cuz well getting 7 is gonna be hard. But God is big....WAY big. So we will see. I do have a lot of praying to do. And a lot of relying to do. And well it's all about Faith.

Go back to Mark 9---Showing compassion to these kids and why we do what we do.

It's Hard to Understand

So when I was getting ready to move in I was thinking, ' Oh my Gosh the first thing I want to do is see Meghan...and Just give her a hug...cuz that is all that there would be time for.'... A week later...I still haven't seen her. I don't understand this. It's not Love. I know what Love doesn't look like. And I have an Idea of what it does look like because I have experienced it...I haven't grasped the full meaning or understood what the full meaning of Love looks like....But I KNOW this isn't a way to Love someone.
Just 2min. People have time for that when they Love someone... People take advantage of the time that they have with someone way to much...I have Meghan here and I can't see her...I would give anything to have someone else here that I could see for even just 2 minutes.

We had a 'Retreat' thing last night at coaches house...We just hung out and stuff. It was fun. I really like the new girls. And having Stephanie around is so great. She has changed and I see that in her. I'm excited for her and Chris' wedding. She is so happy with him...and that is Awesome. *a Community of Christ*

Last night Katie had us as a team sit in a circle and each person got 3 minutes (would have been 5 but we had a time issue) to just talk. That person had the floor and had to talk the whole time. They could talk about anything. Themselves, their family, what home is like...anything--no rules for that person besides taking up the whole time. It was really good. We learned a lot about each other..and you would be surprised as to what comes out of your mouth. This is definitely an activity that I am going to use with the team that I coach as well as with Small groups with Young Life and with leaders and everything. So thank you Katie for that.

I am praying that Community is something that I develop. I have one...but I want to develop one that I am more comfortable in. Well more Christ centered. But he is doing great things...I Know it.

The Faith in myself is growing daily.

The first FULL day...

Uh...This is so hard...but in a weird way. I just want to sit here in my living room (like I am now) all by myself ALL the time. I don't want to be here...But that is okay. I didn't think it was gonna be hard with the team...but tonight all they started to talk about was partying and sex and stuff...and I just felt so uncomfortable. But it's okay... I am not in this alone. My greatest strength is so much greater than Christs weakness. And that is so comforting to me!

We are running a mile in the morning....This will be interesting.. I have so much to say but I'm SOOOO tired....
So GoodNight.

Patience...

God really knows how to test my patience....and it doesn't bother me at all. So I found out today that I will be working at Camp. They called me. After my breakdown a couple of days ago when they told me they weren't gonna have me. That's testing for sure. But God is so great. And I knew that this would work out. It had to. Because staying here would have been old...and well Lori would have been Gone and that would have sucked a ton!

I have wanted to post about several things the past few nights...but I have been out so late that once I get home I just crash...and well now those things are not coming to me. Every time I talk to Lori there is something that I could potentially talk about on here. I think out of anything this summer that girl has helped me grow in my relationship in Christ. I wish I would have had her around during the school year. Or someone like her.
She has helped me to have confidence in what I can do...and what I will do this next year...and well for the rest of my life. It is going to be so hard...but finding people like Lori up at school has to be the first step.
I am kind of excited to hang out with her sister though up there. I'm prolly gonna see if like maybe on the weekends if she wants to hang out....besides just the nights that she is prolly gonna stay on our couch...which I am really looking forward to.

-It's a Genuine relationship. Everything is so real about it. Honesty.

I thought tonight I was gonna have to say 'See ya later.' But I don't. And this makes me really happy.

I got a card and Heavyweights in the Mail today from Leann for my Birthday. The car was hilarious. The front was like different ways in a church that people worship. And then inside it was a phrase that had to do with all of them requiring deodorant. and well it made me laugh hard.

I don't have much to say

Which way to go...

Scot Heinhold just stopped by here at the Blend...so we talked a lil' bit. He is so awesome. And I really love talking to him.
We talked about Castaway...and Summer Staff...And God putting so many things (it seems) right in front of us..and which way we are supposed to go. He really made me feel good about it. And he loves that I will be working there cuz he knows that's what I love to do. So I'm gonna start packing up for school...and then packing up for camp this week. And well if nobody drops then unpacking a bag is not hard...And I'm okay with that. Then God has something better....but I just don't see it. lol.

This next school year is going to be really challenging in a lot of ways. But I am ready for it and I have faith in myself. I know what I want to do...and now I just have to accomplish that. Now it's finding people at school to help me with it. And I can do that. Leaving people is the hardest part...but it is something that I know I have to do. And I know God will provide. He won't leave me empty in that compartment I know...because when that happens....that is when it all starts back up again.

What a beautiful day. A day filled with opportunities to Love.

The things around us...

It's been a while.
Tonight driving home it was so beautiful out. I mean it still is...sitting here, looking out the window. The sky is so clear, and everything is so quiet and peaceful. It's so great. And I have to wake up in less than 4 hours..ha. to pick my mom up at the train station. I really hope she had a great time with her Dad in Tennessee...I'm just bummed I didn't get to go..but that's okay.
And I'm really excited to watch the sunrise while driving to Bloomington... I love early mornings...Even thought I'm dead tired..but God is so great. Uh. Cup of coffee and the morning :-).

-I have been really blessed...and it doesn't make sense. But I am grateful for that.

Open Our Eyes

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the HOPE to which he has called you, the RICHES of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great POWER for us who believe. That POWER is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power, and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way."--Ephesians 1:18-23(NIV)

+our body is the Fullness of Christ...let us pray that we may recieve RIGHT NOW...not when we are in heaven....that we may recieve Power, Riches, and Hope.
Pastor Cal hit this nail right on the head. I Love how the Holy Spirit works through him...and he doesn't keep it in like alot of Pastors that I have heard speak before do. Watering down the Gospel is something that he will not allow himself to do to keep people coming to his church....and well if you ask me..he isn't really driving people away at all. The Holy Spirit keeps speaking through him....And that same Holy Spirit keeps people coming back to Northwoods...and bringing new people.

-He talked about how there is a natural dimension...and then there is a spiritual dimension...and a lot of times we see things in it's natural state of being. For example.--today my parents were arguing about the car thing...(so annoying...they just need to buy one already cuz our car uses too much gas.) well when I came home they sat me down and said...we are going to be a car...but when you graduate we are giving it to you--Fair enough...today we go look for cars and my mom is like why are u asking her if she likes them....well I get it in 2 years...so I guess I should like it. So my dad reminds her what we are doing. So then she is like "and in 2 years we are carless."--That's the natural dimension...My mom see's this the way that it would be happening....My father responds with the fact that he is not worried about in 2 years...it's about the now and in 2 years he knows God will provide them with something...what they will need at that time---Faith...simple as that--That is the Spiritual Dimension.

These 2 views are so true...and can go along with everything that we do daily...Do we want to use the Hope, Riches, and Power Christ allows us to have NOW....or do you want to wait...and never use them? sounds like a no brainer huh....But having that Faith isn't always easy...especially if you can't control/see/know what is going to happen in the future.

*How do we develop Spiritual Eyesight* (Cal challenging the church)
1.)Pray for greater Spiritual perception.--Wisdom and Revelation in Everything.
2.)Saturate your mind w/Gods word.
3.) Hang out w/ those that have the kind of Eyesight that you want.---By being with those people...my eyesight gets transformed.
4.) Don't settle for Boring!
-Ask God to kick you out of your Comfort Zone.--Ask him to take you to new levels in your walk.--Put yourself in places where you need to use God in New Ways.


++Cal then said to the church..(along these lines)-- Don't just come to church and sit there in your seats. Don' t just come and listen to this message just to enjoy gaining some knowledge. Don't just come get the message and not act upon it.--*Dare to follow the nudges that God places in your heart*


Some people may not like Northwoods cuz it is so big and they think that they are all about having too many people. "Lord fill his church & send the overflow to me."-Cal
Northwoods challenges the community...They are tired of people just filling space...
What a great message!

I have so many things on my mind...so many things I want to say...But they won't make it on here...

Tonight we went to a friends for the Fireworks...It was alot of fun. And Great food...and well I Love food. That's for sure! lol

This thing that we do on Wednesday nights... I don't know--I think we need to do something different...This last week was so good because we did do something different. When I pictured doing these tables I was thinking maybe like every other week or something.. I mean we can change it...Maybe this week tables...and next week another video...maybe a Nooma video...But I don't know how I feel about those somethimes...But in Washington it would prolly go well. We will see I guess. I will keep praying about it. I hate expectations. I hate that all of these people that come expect so much sometimes... If they want something different....TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT! I don't really care if we don't do tables. It isn't like not doing tables is going to hurt my feelings. lol. I really don't care... I just brought an Idea and thought we could try it a few times. I am open to whatever. I do know that the Holy Spirit shows up every week...and that's what we have to continue to ask for.

Relying on God's strength in everything...all of the time is so hard. Sometimes I don't even think about 'oh maybe I can't do this.' Well right now I can tell you that I know I can't do it...That I have to rely on the greatest strength of all to do anything. But it is so much harder to do than say it. Cuz well I know. haha.

I don't know what is wrong with me... I don't think that I am as fun...or funny as what I used to be...Well with Lori things seem different cuz well she is just fun....But Other than that..where is AJay. I can't even explain it...But whatever....lol
"How do I Love fully if I hold back being As is?"

I ask for Change...and I don't get change I get the opportunity to Change...and that is so much greater...

This is really hard





Clean slate here

"I'm sorry.

I do love you the way you are. yeah, i care about what you're doing, but don't take that to mean that I don't love you through any of that. TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. I knew you were mad when you left the car, and this is a conversation we should probs have in person.

But I'm sorry because if you don't know that I love you, then I'm showing you some convoluted, effed up, self-centered love, and that isn't love at all. I'm going to have to work on that.

I love you."

--You have helped me learn what Love is--

Remedy-David Crowder Band

Here we are
Here we are
The broken and used
Mistreated, abused
Here we are

Here You are
Here You are
The beautiful one
Who came like a Son
Here You are

So we lift up our voices
We open our hands
To cling to the love
That we can’t comprehend

Oh, lift up your voices
And lift up your heads
To sing of the love
That has freed us from sin

He is the one
Who has saved us
He is the one
Who embraced us
He is the one who has come
And is coming again
He’s the remedy

Here we are
Here we are
Bandaged and bruised
Awaiting a cure
Here we are

Here You are
Here You are
Our beautiful King
Bringing relief
Here You are with us

So we lift up our voices
And open our hands
Let go of the things
That have kept us from Him

He is the one
Who has saved us
He is the one
Who forgave us
He is the one who has come
And is coming again
He’s the remedy

Oh, I can’t comprehend
I can’t take it all in
Never understand
Such perfect love come
For the broken and beat
For the wounded and weak
Oh, come fall at His feet
He’s the remedy
He’s the remedy

So sing, sing

You are the one
Who has saved us
You are the one
Who forgave us
You are the one who has come
And is coming again
To make it alright
Oh, to make it alright
You’re the remedy
Oh, in us
You’re the remedy

Let us be the remedy
Let us bring the remedy


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
remedy
Noun
pl -edies
1. a drug or treatment for curing pain or disease
2. a way of solving a problem
Verb
[-edies, -edying, -edied]
to put right or improve [Latin remedium a cure]
remediable adj
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This song we sang tonight at Sacred Space....And while it was playing I was just thinking about what a remedy is and how we rely on Remedies... and David Crowder Band has it right-Our remedy is Jesus Christ. In this song we beg for it to be alright...we beg Christ to make it alright...and that is the prayer....
**Lord let us be the remedy to this world. Jesus with Skin on. Bringing Jesus to people. Bringing a remedy to God's children.
Listen to this song. It's so great.
------
"I'm a drifter out on a dead end road trying to find my way back home to get to you." Be that Remedy.....
I need that Remedy. We need that Remedy. We try to be our own Remedy...well I do at least. and I know this. It's hard. Too hard.
**You are teaching me daily...shoot you are teaching me by the minute. Learning to listen to you...and learning to be honest with you...and others around me...thank you so much for that...Thank you for that Remedy.

Chewing on it...

I really chew on things when people say things to me...or when I read things...or when I am experiencing things. I didn't really do much of it this past school year...but since I have returned back home that is all I do...everything.
So tonight at Campaigners I am having the girls watch this video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiNBmNl88Pk&feature=related

And well you can watch it if ya want..and if you have already seen it, I encourage you to watch it again.
Everything in that video you can chew on. One line at a time...one line a day. I Love it. I really want to challenge the girls tonight to chew on this... I want them to know that they can ask questions...that they can question God. People don't understand that sometime. I question him the same as I question my friends. Does God not deserve to be questioned. Yeah I don't always get my answers....but my friends don't give me answers either....

"This is my Father's World!"

I am really learning what Love is. I am experiencing it. Studying these Love languages has really helped me. Time has to be a Love language that everyone needs. But it is one that others do not show other people... I feel like a person cannot be Loved unless they are shown Time. Whether that is I write you a letter, Send you a Text, an email, a post, a phone call, coffee date, or just hanging out....That is Love. All I want to do is spend time....Spend time Loving you...however that is...I am trying to figure it out...

I'm reading Mere Christianity right now...and this is a book that you would like. I could tell that as soon as I started reading it. It is very good...and is Full of things. There are so many things I want to talk about with it...but Prolly next time...

This really makes me sad...and is annoying actually... but I'm fine with it...



I might work at Castaway July23-August14...I'm excited!!

----

She is the most convenient for me right now… and she doesn’t think so…but that is okay. I love talking to her. Seeing that she was actually calling me-well I was pretty excited. God is doing great things. And whatever he is doing is beyond what I would think that he would do…or beyond my control…or anything that I can even Imagine.

I could say a lot of things that I think Meghan is…or things that I think that she should….well just things that people realize about other’s that well they can’t seem to notice themselves…ha if that even makes sense…but it does in my mind…Lorie said things about me today that well I don’t think of that I think that I am. But she knows that I am those things…and well that is great. And I guess people need to hear those things. And Maybe that’s what I need to do…Maybe I just need to tell Meghan. But I’m sure she knows.

--The whole deal was really nothing. I still don’t understand what the whole thing was about. Ha. There is my intelligence for ya. All went way over my head. But I don’t have to worry about it. I’m not leaving. And I’m not letting this friendship sit on the back burner like I do all of the others…because well we figured out what my problem was….well you always knew ha…it was just me figuring out that what I do with my friends I do the exact same with you God….and well that was the answer to my question. I knew you wouldn’t hold onto that one forever… I just had to ask…and trust in you. And be honest with myself on how I treat the relationships that I have with people.

--Like I said…she is the most Convenient…and I need to find a new word for that…because that can mean like most convenient being like well she is always there…because well I know that she is not….but that is not what it means in this context at all. But I know what it means…and that is all that really matters.

I’m really at peace right now with all of this….after like being super upset and being super emo and teary and all sensitive and stuff…to not caring…to like hearing that it should be addressed- wondering what the heck are we fighting…because I want to know what it is about…..to well being at peace…and feeling comfort and well I guess Love. But I don’t really know if I feel Love. I think she well I don’t know how to say that.

And as for plans going out the window…well God prolly wants me to do something here…so I have to be fine with that…just a little upset I guess….2 days there and 2 days somewhere else was fine with me….but she thinks things are to complicated….as for her leaving. ha- I’m fine with that 2. People leave. Some come back…some go away forever-that’s alright. But shoot enjoy it while they are around…I guess I see things differently but then again I have been through it so much…Nothing remains constant in my life…besides Faith. And well I know that in all aspects of my life. Emily left. But what we had was an awesome chapter….one of the greatest…she was a senior…and I was a freshman..ha there ya go right there.. I just got to make the most of it while she was around…she was my best friend at the time. I lived at her house for a month in a half. It was one of the best month’s ever (next to work crew of course lol). Then she went to college…and well I was a sophomore in HS. Then well she got married….and I was a sr. in HS. And at the reception when they did the bride and groom dance…then they each went out to grab someone else…well I was the first one she picked…and we got to talk…and we both agree that time of our lives was great…and we would never take them back…now she is married and living in Colorado….who knows when I will ever see her again…but she will always remain in my heart because well I Love her…and she is still Convenient to me….

-So even though you will be gone….but you won’t cuz I will most likely be living across the street…we have to make the most of the time that God allows us to be near each other. My friends that are the most convenient to me well they aren’t close in distance to me anymore….and that is okay. I Love you!

I’m applying to work at Castaway for Session 3 this summer. I have to get away. And well I have changed…and you don’t know this me. This is who I am…this is who I want to be…and this is how I want to represent Christ. I have been so open about the person that I allowed myself to be this past year…and it’s really surprising…I told Lorie today and she was well shocked….and I told SuAnne last week and well she realized she has to hold me more accountable. Lol. But hey I’m fine with that. I know who I am supposed to be….and how well I don’t have potential…that doesn’t make sense to you…but I know what I mean. Working at Castaway is going to be hard. And I’m gonna have to rely on Christ on a different level…and I’m fine with that….I know where my Strength comes from…and that is all that I need…It’s just nice to have people like Meghan in my life who make things that much more enjoyable.

Love- It’s what I am feeling right now. And it is what I want the rest of the world to feel. And it is what I want to show everyone. ‘There is no commandment greater than these.’

*Holy Spirit Reign down on Me*