For more than a Feeling

So many things. And I don't really remember what I talked about last time... So I'm sorry if I repeat myself.
I Think about things so much...things. I know Ms. Scott (writing 4 college teacher sr. year) would say...'Ajay...things...really- that is so broad...and not a good writing word.'--but Ms. Scott..... I think about many things....so that is the word I'm using to describe it.
Sometimes I think about what I'm thinking about...and then I think about how I started thinking about that....and then it's just a thinking fiasco....
Webster defines thinking as the process of using your mind to consider something carefully.
I think...ha. that I tend to think too much. Bah....enough with that...I'm bored with that Topic.


So I met with Elvin and Greg tonight....I don't know if intimidated is the word...but I'm gonna use it...Von Steuben scares me right now....We have nothing there... I don't know where to start...and well I don't have to know...but I do. ha. Relying on God entirely for this. Faith...it's the only thing that remains constant in my Life.....Use it. I am Trusting. I don't want to do what I want to do though....but maybe that is what needs to be done....but I don't even know that yet. Yikes. Starting from Scratch. Elvin Trusts me so much. He truly has faith that I am capable of going into a High School and start Young Life....that is something that people that are on Young Life staff do....even if they do that. EF... ha. Elvin called my parents last week thanking them for letting him have me up here. lol. Wow. Building my team....That is my goal for this semester. Just hang out with these College kids.... and Mentor them....Uh... I have never done this before. Grant me the Wisdom oh Lord my God!

So in the book I have been reading....it's about the 60-60 experience that John Burke did at his church in Texas.....So basically every 60 min. for 60 days....or for life. lol. So every 60 min...you get something that interrupts you...watch...reminders too...anything. And the Goal is an ongoing min-min conversation of willingness with God. So every time you are reminded you remember that God is with you, and reengage in conversation with him. Reflect every hour on the character of God...Thank him for that throughout the day. So basically * the goal is to stay consciously aware all through your day that God is with you and desires loving, trusting relationship. staying in this contact....he will lead you into the life that you desire (which is the life he desires for you). It's kind of a lot...and maybe confusing....but I'm excited. And I want to get a partner in this....to just talk about it with and go along side each other in this process..and see how God works. It will be hard for a while....But uh...constant communication with God. It's something that I did very well Freshman year through Breath Prayers (Props to Brad Nassif--LOVE HIM and that Class).

**So with that... I have been thinking about the question of --What do I desire? like Truly Desire... and How am I trying to get it? I have been thinking about my Desires for this school year...for this week even....and for my life. It's hard. And where do I honestly struggle to trust God's Love or goodness?
It's so hard to see that God provides through Love. Because I know right now what I am feeling is pain.....weird pain. It's like that thing in your chest (the way that I would describe it to Lori..haha)
--And I know that I desire to be full and not alone. But Loneliness is always there...and well I know that....and we constantly talk about this...And filling that Loneliness with You..(Christ) is enough...and you provide everything else..and that's true. and I believe that....but I am human. So that's hard. ---yikes my thoughts are jumbled and all over the place and are confusing me.

--My team is I don't even know. I just hope they don't get in trouble....and I hope some of them realize their potential before they end up like I did.....You don't want to represent yourself like that....and other mistakes come along with that....I know....Uh