That's exactly what I need...

I do a really good job of taking advantage of things. I have this great thing, and I know I have it so I just let it sit....if it continues to sit...it's going to drift away. Mabes that is what happens with me and relationships. I feel like I'm pouring into them, but maybe I'm really not. I'm so blessed with this relationship though that I know God wouldn't just allow me to let it go. I won't either. Not this time. I don't think she would allow it either. She knows me too well... maybe even better than I know myself sometimes.
--Rained SOOOO hard tonight. SOOOO GOOD! I had to walk back from Helwig tonight when it was a downright POUR! Well I took my time...and just wandered around..allowing God to Reign down on me. Just talking to him and realizing things. Seeing how blessed I truly am. Getting a smack in the face about messing things up. I am a good friend. Things like this happen, and it's okay if it's only skin deep with her, maybe thats better. As far as living together goes, I have really thought about it HARD, especially since Meghan metioned it. But I think I'm going to follow through with it. It will be good. What she does is her business, and well what I do is my business...and thats fine we go out seperate ways...but in the end I know we will still be friends. Just b/c I'm really close with Tatum doesnt mean anything. God has his hand around this situation for me...and I know he will get me through it. And maybe at the same time I can help Tatum. Maybe she will learn what real Love is. I just hope I didn't mess that up last week, but I know you're in control.
-And well back to the other>she's great. Everytime we hang out it's meaningful. I just hope that I can continue to be confident in myself and remember the person that I am...Confidence. Hebrews 4:16-Go with Confidence... That's my weakness...In everything...well I've only seen it in soccer until tonight when I was standing in the rain. Someone told me the other day that I have a unique walk...They couldnt put their finger on it. Then they said that I walk in a very confident way. Not with arrogance just confident in who I am. I found that strange considering I'm always told to have confidence in myself.
--At the prayer night at College Life last semester, someone prayed for me and they said God kept on telling them to tell me to be confident>they had no idea that is what I was struggling with in soccer and for every game that was my goal.
**Journal Entry-9/28/08- *Be confident*- What does this mean Lord. What do you mean by this? Be confident in the person that I am? with my gifts? with my questions? with my answers? Be Confident! You Speak this to me at the most crucial time. My goal is always to be confident in the skills that I have, Lord help me to turn this more into action than just words. I say I'm going to be confident, but it's more than that. Lord help me to be Confident. I need you. I don't know how to be confident in myself Lord. Please teacher help me. Help me to build my confidence through you oh God. Help me allow the Love I have for you build confidence in me. Be Confident that means so much. Help me to live confidently like you want me to. Teach me how to gain confidence-Amen**

Fifteen Random Things

Random List-
1.) To me laughing is like Grace.
2.) I need to be challenged.
3.) I really hope I can help coach at Von.
4.) I Love playing basketball with Tatum, Batch, and Kara.
5.) Way to many things to do before Spring Break.
6.) Spring Break in Florida!> I'm really excited to see how this goes...and where it takes us.
7.) I have been kind of frusterated lately.
8.) I can pee anywhere...lol
9.) I LOVE CHIPS AND SALSA.
10.) One of my favorite parts of the day is sitting in Tatum's room and hanging out.
11.) I haven't actually worked out...besides like ab's and stuff since like last Thurs. ha!
12.) Running into all of the Hodgkinson girls today was great! especially when it wasn't expected.
13,) Being able to play the guitar and worship is one of my favorite things.
14.) I really want a good pizza right now... Can't wait for Pizza Night to become a part of my life again. lol.
15.) Team Space Jam is 6-0!

A Thousand Questions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiNBmNl88Pk&feature=related

She'll Be Home

Happiness is just outside my window

Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?

Or is happiness a little more like knocking On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow Let it be, you can’t make it come or go

But you are gone- not for good but for now Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard

Happiness was never mine to hold

Careful child, light the fuse and get away ‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you

Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor

So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now

Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me

Look for it, but you’ll never find it all

But let it go, live your life and leave it

Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home

Home, home, home--The Fray

Truly Relying?

I'm not very good at showing Love...Knowing a person's Love language is so hard for me. How do you Truly love someone. How can you possibly Love as Christ has Loved? You can't; but even comming close to that is so hard for me to see. Like I Love my dad more then any person that I know; and yet I don't show him that. I do see God's own Love in my life though. And my dad and Grandma have done a very good job in my life by showing me love that I have never experienced before when it comes to being loved by a human being. God has been teaching me more about Love everyday. And I'm striving to Love him like he's never been Loved before....By whatever that looks like. He will show me.
* I do Love myself. Have respect for myself. It doesn't matter to me what people think about me...I have potential- I have been that person> So I know that AJay exists somewhere inside of me....Whatever that looks like; I trust that God is showing me.*

-I am very aware of my Incompleteness. We all need to be aware of this. It's nice to have a person there to show you what you can be....Tell you what's up. As brother's and sister's in Christ we need that; At least I do. I know what is wrong with me....But feelings I cannot put a finger on. It was so easy when I was dating Mike; he helped me with that. I was blessed by our relationship. Now it's another time. Another page. Shoot another book. I know that I cannot stand up on my own....or rely on other people to help me stand up straight on my feet. Only God can help me get up. Leaning on him is what I need to focus on more and more Everyday.

--I Love you. And I want to show that to you. And I will.--

What's it look like

-"How did this student do in meeting ministry expectations?
'Ashley went above and beyond the epectations that myself and the ministry wanted her to do.'
-What ministry strengths did you observe in the student?
'Ashley has tremendous insight into the hearts and life of the teens she works with. She often makes observations or reflects on her own experience in sush a way that I often feel like I learned something.'
-In what areas does the student need to grow in order to be successful in youth ministry?
'I woul dlike to see Ashley grow deeper in her understanding and knowledge of scripture. 2 Peter 1:5-8'
-Would you recommend that this student proceed as a youth ministry major?
'Yes! Ashley is solid. Honest, assertive and creative. She loves Jesus and loves kids and is willing to learn. That is the foundation, in my humble opinion, of any Youth Minister worth their weight.'

*I read this evaluation that my Young Life director filled out about me for a class...and well I cried. Reading this makes me well I don't know what it makes me feel but it makes me feel something. I feel very unworthy of the words that Elvin has written down. I carry this piece of paper around with me, and I read it alot to I guess see what my potential is.

Right now, I talked about this with Tatum last night for like hours, but right now I am really struggling with who I am. I don't know who the real Ashley is. When I'm with people, I couldnt tell you whether I'm being real or not. I don't know what my Identity is. If that even makes sense. Like am I what I am sitting here right now....but what is that. Or am I this person that I'm going to be in 30 min... and what is that. I have these things inside....is that me. Or am I the things that people see on the outside. Yeah I'm all of those but am I being who I am....Me.

**Lord reveal to me the Desires of my heart**

I've messed up so many times...

Sarah traded her laughter for guilt There's no hope left in her eyes

And the sentence for the wrong she's done Is a lonely life

And we ask what has she done As if that could make it ok

It's amazing what comfort we find in distance Put yourself in her place

We all need forgiveness

We all need a second chance

We all need to be giv'n grace

Well, Deacon's got it all figured out At least that's the way it seems

And he proudly wears his victories around on his sleeve

He's the first to point his finger When others don't measure up

God forbid he ever has to drink From his bitter cup

* I've messed up so many times It's my past that I'm haunted by

If I'm ever going to truly live

Grace I must accept, Grace I must give

We all need forgiveness We all need just one more chance

We all need to be giv'n grace Yeah, are you giv'n Forgiveness

We all need just one more chance We all need to be giv'n grace Yeah,

are you giv'n grace

Are you receivi'n grace

Are you giv'n grace

Grace I must give

I may be 19...But what does that mean

Okay so I may seem like I need to be taken care of... But I don't. I can do things on my own. I don't need to be told what to do...Just sometimes I need guidance...Thats why we all need accountability partners. Mine just happens to be 3 hours away and I haven't talked to her in awhile. What do you think I did for the first like what 18 or 19 years of my life. I don't know why this bothers me. It doesn't really bother me too much, it's just the fact that I think they think that like I'm this needy 'kid'. What would the relationship be like if I didn't 'have to be taken care of'. I'm so Independent. I guess I'm just not use to being treated like this. Well, I am, but I've never felt like this about it. I love this person so much, so I don't know if I'm just upset about something else. Mabes they just haven't seen the other side of me. Mabes it is time for me to get taken care of....I didn't have that growing up. I had to grow up fast, maybe this is like my next chance to Childhood. Ew. Don't want it. My sister took care of me... mabes its cuz I don't really have that relationship with her/ relationship period. I don't know why I'm complaining. I hate that. Uh. I just uh. I don't know. I'm more than skin deep. Mabes I need to express more of who I am inside. Maybe she just needs to learn more about Ajay. About I guess well this is corny but my roots. What I am about. What I Love. How I perceive Love. My emotions. What life is like beyond what is seen. Ew now I sound like some depressed teenager (which I'm not) This is like going back to Freshman year of HS. lol. I was messed up then though...so lets not go there. haha

So called my dad today... Told him about probs helping coach at Von...Ps-LOVE! Like I'm a real easy person to make happy...But like thinking about helping those kids out... beats just about everything. Hands down! My dad knows that 2. So then he's like we got a letter today about a scholarship you applied for. 50o bones! Got it! God is so good. And what's even better- North Park is supposed to match it. yeah thats right 1,000 bones. And that could double my Sr. year. So great.
Like honestly I know I do not deserve this one bit- but my family does. And I love them so much. I pray that they are blessed beyond way's they cannot even Imagine. I pray that you give them the things in their hearts that they desire b/c of the faith towards you they have shown.

Oh also tonight- I found out I'm no longer insured until I'm 25 with my mom...B.c of this retirement thing she just took. But I'm like not even insured at all right now. So I have to like look into that here at the school or something. I don't know. It's kind of annoying. This whole retirement thing is, I don't know it just seems odd to me. But whatev.

Always Remember....Never Forget

4 Years ago today...It will be a day I will never forget. 2 people that left an impact for the 16 years that they were here. I didn't really know Mary besides through camp..and well that day. But Ali.. we would joke around. Her smile could change the way that you felt that day. I feel like the thing that impacted me most with the accident were the things that they impacted. So many people loved them. God knows what he's doing...it's just hard to see that through death. I know I couldn't at the time. I pray for family and friends on this day. Always Loved and Remembered.

*'And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.'- Romans 8:28

So my sister and I don't have a relationship really.. Well since she had Isabella this summer a relationship actually exists...Depth though does not. So last night she randomly texted me and sent me a picture of my neice... And I was just so happy. I can't wait to be with them this summer. God is so good to me. It's so crazy how undeserving we are, and how unlimited his grace is. Last night I got an email saying that I got the IM volleyball supervisor job. I didn't even apply, or interview for it. What a blessing. I will be making Soooooo much more then what I am right now. This is great. And I hope I get these baseball tickets for my parents.... If I can't get the ones that I want... I'll just get tickets for my dad and I to a rando game, cuz either way he will be happy, and he deserves it. Plus I just want to spend time with him, and talk. Yeah I'm a daddy's girl, and there isn't anything wrong with that. I will always be. It's not something that I'm going to grow out of. It makes me seem needy, but it's our relationship. We didnt have a relationship the first 12 years of my life....and it didn't really mean anything till my sophomore year of HS so it's something that I guess I'm making up for. I wish that everyone could experience a relationship with their dad like I have.

Von today! So excited. Love those kids!

Tired...is it more?

I'm to the point right now, where I have lost so much sleep in the past week...slash running on 4 hours right now...that I am overly tired/I'm not really tired at the moment. I'm probs going to get really sick. But oh well.

Today was such a good day....actually it wasn't. Nothing happened at all. ha. But for class we went to Teen Town on the west side. It was really cool. I like that for my class we go to these different sites and see what people are doing around the city of Chicago. I have to go visit a site and write about it, and I'm really excited. I'm doing my visit with a program that Meghan works with here in Albany park. And I'm really curiouse/excited to do it. Maybe it's something that I want to do. Probs not, but I like to learn about it, and get to see what Meghan does.

There are so many things on my mind right now. I've been thinking about things way too much lately...I think it's with the lack of sleep...I'm going crazy. But I'm super excited for tomorrow... I love those girls, they are great. It's something that I am passionate about that I am actually doing. B/c well I haven't been really doing things that I'm truly passionate about. So it's so nice.

PS-Meg-I hope you had a great Birthday! I Love you....and you are so great, and I couldn't ask for you to be any better.

I haven't talked to Mike in a while now. It's good. It doesn't even bother me. The things that we talked about were things that had to be addressed, so I'm glad that we started talking again. No more confusion in my mind. So I'm content with that.

Lose My Soul

Father God, I am clay in your hands,Help me to stay that way through all life's demands,'Cause they chip and they nag and they pull at me, And every little thing I make up my mind to be,Like I'm gonna be a daddy whose in the mix,And I'm gonna be a husband who stays legit,And I pray that I'm an artist who rises above,The road that is wide and filled with self love,Everything that I see draws me,Though it's only in You that I can truly see that its a feast for the eyes- a low blow to purpose.And I'm a little kid at a three ring circus.

I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,

Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.

The paparazzi flashes, and that they think that it's you,But they don't know that who you are is not what you do,True, we get it twisted when we peak at the charts, Yo before we part from the start,Where's your heart? You a pimp, hustler? Tell me what's your title,America has no more stars, now we call them idols,You sit idle, While we teach prosperity,The first thing to prosper should be inside of me.We're free...Not because of 22's on the range,But Christ came in range, we said yes now we changed,Not the same, even though I made a fall,Since I got that call, no more Saul, now I'm Paul.

How do I sense the tide that's rising? De-sensitizing me from living in light of eternity,How do I sense the tide that's rising?It's hypnotizing me from living in light of eternity,How do I sense the tide that's rising?De-sensitizing me from living in light of eternity.

Lord forgive us when we get consumed by the things of this world,That fight for our love, and our passion,As our eyes are open wide and on you.Grant us the privilege of your world view,And may your kingdom be, what wakes us up, and lays us down.

Don't let me lose my soul, I never wanna walk away,I don't wanna lose my soul.-T.Mac

Rejoice in the Lord always...

What a great day! Nothing even happened....at all. ha. I just am in a really good mood. It's Meghan's Birthday, the sun is shining, Tatum is in a super good mood ha, I get to go to Von tomorrow, and I'm just in this great mood. I did my workout and more... I just felt like hey why not. I do have a crap load of things to do before tomorrow, but I'm not going to worry about it. I will get it done....whether that means staying up all night...Hey thats okay, I kind of want this day to last. And I'm still in this mood where I want to do everything for people. Whethere that is just talking to them, or buying them lunch, or picking something up off of the ground for them. I guess I'm always like that, but right now I really see it in myself.
I think it's because I have been going through this theing where I never see the good things that I do..I only see the bad. And serving is one of my spiritual gifts. So I just really want to use it to the best of my ability. 'Even though I don't always feel his pressence, I will seek to love him like he has never been loved before.'-MT... and to do that- I serve. Serving people in way's that I didn't even think I was capable of doing. Anyways. another way I'm trying to love Jesus more everyday is my attitude and the way that I speak....so the things that come out of my mouth. I just need to think about things before I say them. One day I'm going to get myself into alot of trouble with my mouth. uh. It's frusterating... But I'm working on it.

Anyways- I have one of the greatest friends that I could ask for, my friends in General are so great, I couldn't ask for a better relationship with my parents right now (besides the fact that I miss them like crazy) , my sister has been spending time with my mom, my Grandma is being taken care of, Lauren is happy where she is at, Spring Break is almost here, and I'm healthy and enjoying the things that I'm doing. so great.

Then Jesus said "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and i will give you rest." -- Matthew 11:28

There are many lists

So a few weeks ago I filled out that list of 25 rando things...well I decided to do a list on here like everyone in a while....Prob's not 25 things everytime...but maybe there will be 25 new things that time. who knows.

1.My favorite color is Orange
2. I love college basketball soooo much. I like to watch it all day.
3. I have a neice...Isabella who is 7 months old.
4. My middle name is Cutter.
5. I want to marry someone that is like my dad.
6. Going and helping out with soccer at Von is my favorite part of the week.
7. I secretly Love playing soccer... Even though I don't show it.
8. I'm a very open person...But you have to get it out of me. (doesn't make sense does it. lol)
9. I journal...w/out it I would never know what is going on inside of me.
10. I have trouble with feelings. I experience feelings...like there is something wrong with me but I couldnt tell you what it is....That is why Journaling is good for me.
11. I'm so excited to go to FL for spring break.
12. I've been really blessed lately with some awesome relationships.
13. I really have a heart for Jamaica.
14. And High school aged kids.
15. I wish that I still played Basketball.
16. I have always wanted to be a rockstar and be in a band.
17. If I could I would play Rock Back and guitar hero ALL day.
18. I play the guitar.
19. I have this weird thing with Ketchup. ha. Yeah thats all that needs to be said about that.
20. ANd well the "D" word... vomit!
21. Tornadoes scare me more then almost anything else. I cry
22. Today does not feel like Valentines day...and I could really care less about this day. Even when I am dating someone... I don't get it.
23. I Love meeting new people....and becoming friends. lol
24. BEST FRIENDS!!! Love it.
25. I Love rainy days... and laying on the couch with LOTS of blankets while watching a movie with people.

March 5th could not come any sooner

This quad is well...I'm not use to being this busy. And well meeting with people and talking is a must for me. It's just not healthy if I dont talk things out. So it causes me to loose alot of sleep. And well it's killing me. So tonight....SLEEPING! and I'm so excited. But when I lay down...I can be dead tire...but I still lay there for 2 hours before I fall asleep.
I kind of hung out with him tonight-But I left. ha. Dead tired. Oh well. There is tomorrow night.

So I'm in this weird like I want to buy people things mood. I'm just in this really giving mood. If you are with me, you might be lucky that I buy you dinner. Or something crazy. I don't get it. I should probs be saving my $$. ha. oh well. But for Father's /Mother's Day I'm buy my parents Cubs vs. Cards tickets cuz my Dad is a cub's fan, and my mom is well a cards fan...and of course I need to get one for me. lol. But I'm super excited...Even though they are gettin' it like month's before the actual holiday (which doesn't matter). But they are going to love it. I like called my dad today to tell him that he needs to keep April 18th clear so he can come up and spend time with me.....aka go to a cubs game. I'm so excited to get them. Hopefully it works out. Feb. 20...gotta get those tickets. ha.

Grace like rain

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost but now I'm found Was blind but now I see so clearly
Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me

Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear And grace my fears relieved

How precious did that grace appearThe hour I first believed
Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away
When we've been there ten thousand years Bright shining as the sun

We've no less days to sing Your praise Than when we first begun

Is it because I'm afraid?

So I just realized just a second ago...Now unraveling and thinking about what I just talked about for like 3 hours. I am scared. I am scared when I make new friends. I realized this cuz I'm so emotional about it right now while thinking about it. I have these friends that I have been so close to for so long, that I don't worry about loosing them. And well I do loose friends easily, and I dont know why. It doesn't bother me much at all. But those people weren't like real close to me. I feel like now, I'm just so scared to what is going to happen between some people, or a person and I that I just don't know what to think about it. And I know to trust in God in every situation...and I trust him completely with whatever he does in my life; but I tend to put this note in the back of my head...and some people have heard me say it... that okay; I'm close to this person now, and it's great...I can like be really close to them lets say forever... but I also allow myself to be okay...not okay...but I convince myself that it's not going to last long. This is just for now. Which is fine too, sometimes God brings people in and out of our lives because we only need them for that moment in our lives.... But why do I think that with this situation... I think this is the first time I have been scared about this. Mabes cuz it's true and real. but the others weren't then? no I think that they were 2. So what makes this different? Why am I feeling this about this whole situation? I never think like this... or process things like this.

Rain...sometimes it's what we need

So I love rain! Like alot of people know that a rainy day for me is like one of the best things. When it's warm and it rains I love it. I love playing in it...I use to love running in it(as long as it doesnt hurt), I love to well. haha. yeah it's just great. So today I woke up and it was raining....but i didnt know that. I got ready for class and well saw the rain...Went right back to bed. Sleeping when it is raining with like 4 blankets that I can cuddle with and my body pillow is like the best sleep ever.
And today= best rainy day nap ever (meg-it's fine that you woke me up...I had been sleeping for 2 hours.) I could have used my dog or a friend to cuddle with haha. but it was great.
*I don't know why I love the rain so much. It's like a cleaner. Like I go outside and just open my arms and allow God's grace to flow onto me. To rain onto me. Rain is like Grace for me I guess. I can go out with this brokenness and God literally washes things away from me, and I can physically feel it. And I can cry, and thats all a part of the rain. Rainy day's are a must in my life. I could use more, but it's usually too cold; so it's snow. ew.
So boy. haha. This is like an okay thing for me. He's good. lol. like hes legitamately alright for me. And he really wanted to hang out and chill tonight...but I was having heart-heart time with Tatum for over 3 hours. haha. But it was so good. It's nice to be able to talk to a person about anything...and well we talked about it all. ha. But anyways...back to boy.... I just want to like hang out....and be friends. and like go out, and get to know eachother...and not have this label...or any pressure on either of us. Like I'm fine with people being like oh girl. lol. But I know like the guys on the team, they just want him to get some or whatever, but it's not like that at all. And I don't want him to let them get in the way. and whatev's. wow. ha.

I'm in a really weird mood now. I didn't do any Hw tonight. I'm probs like falling behind in my classes. no I'm not I just feel that way. But I'm not tired at all right now. I feel so refreshed right now...with this rain...and like just getting things off of my chest with T and having her like being super suportive in what I believe and what I do. It's just great. With Sarah there isn't any of that. We don't like talk about deep things at all. And I don't want to be deep like all of the time, but what is there when it's all said and done. What do we have? exactly.

Every now and then I get a little lost

My strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed

Every now and then I'm right up on the edge

Dangling my toes out over the ledge

I just thank God you're here

Don't Be afraid

Today my parents called me and told me that my grandma fell again and this time she broke her wrist...This scares me so much-she is the healthiest person and shes really old...and I just don't want to imagine life without her yet. I am trusting in God with this whole situation...There are just alot of things I want my grandma to be around for. I would like to be done with school, and be able to spend more time with her after school, and have her see me in a career, and be at my wedding... But that is all in God's hands. But she had surgery tonight at 5. So I'll call my dad tomorrow to see how she is doing. And I really wanted my dad to come up for the Wesleyan game tomorrow and go out for Pizza. I want to see my mom too. But I really just want to hang out with my dad all day. My mom has come up on her own before....It's his turn. Ew I sound really needy. I just haven't missed home or components of home like this before. And then this thing with my grandma happens. She is one of my closest friends. uhh

I know I've lowered my standards for some things this year. But one thing I haven't done it for is being in a relationship. That is one thing that I take pride in. I don't just date anyone. and people know that. I was even hesitant to date Mike at first. But he was quality. And well he still is. Mike has alot of things in him that I look for in a guy...but he has some things that I just don't feel like putting up with. And thats fine. We still talk...whether that is healthy or not...I think I'm fine with it. But I'm REALLY picky. I want to marry someone like my dad...and well he sets that bar really high. And well maybe this guy is that...but we don't know e/o yet. I just don't want him to get the wrong idea. I just want to hang out and be friends....and stopped lowering my standards...and just wait for that guy that is good enough to actually date...
I'm perfectly content right now not being with someone. I need to learn how to love God with my whole heart first, then I will be okay with being with someone else. I just don't want to waste a guy's time if my heart isn't complete. And I know I need to start that with respect for myself...and demanding respect from other people I guess.

I couldn't be more blessed with a friendship that I have right now... It's perfect. Especially without some people back home....and well with Leann in Bolivia. And it breaks my heart to see her upset with things..and to think that she isn't worthy of being called a Great friend. I couldnt ask for anything better. It's so weird to be so needy..lol. But she came at the best possible point in my life...and uh God is so good. I do not deserve to be blessed the way that he has blessed me. I know that my parents deserve it so much though. I feel like thats a huge reason why God blesses me so much. They are such great people. And Faith. wow. My dad has faith like no one I know. I'm so blessed to have them. Even the first 12 years of my life. Like yeah I didn't have a relationship and life sucked then....but I feel like that is what makes us so close.

All I want

So I just called my dad to just hear his voice and talk to him...So really no reason. I just have this need and I don't know what it is...cry..uhh. Why is something...Something- I don't know what...why is it bothering me. So I call him and ask...uh did I get anything in the mail for a scholarship I applied for...>wrong question-Here talk to your mother. Okay sweet. She asks me questions about things and I'm just so overwhelmed right now...no time to deal with things like that... So we get into an argument...I want to talk about it. she doesnt. I have to settle things. she leaves them in the air. So I hang up.
Better off not calling. Made everything worse.
And these feelings. This is really frusterating that I'm dealing with this again. I worked so hard this summer to be connected; thats not the right word... But I started to know what I was feeling. Now-No clue. Back to step one... I hope I'm not like this forever. Only one person has ever told me I'm complicated...besides myself of course. And I would get upset that he would say that... and then last week he said it again. And I know why he thinks I'm complicated- I can't figure out my own feelings or emotions. and he's not around to help me figure it out. He was so good at it. I try.. I try so hard to rely on God 100 percent on knowing what I'm feeling. But uh. Crying and being really upset about something...but not knowing what that something is. Thats annoying. I just don't know if I can deal with this. Well No...I can. I just i dont know.

2-19-2008-- 'I want to know the Longings of my Heart, Lord. I feel like sometimes I dont know what I'm feeling- or if something is a problem. Things bother me--Define the things cuz I cant. And I get hurt. But I make it seem to other people that I'm completely fine...But he knows. HE KNOWS. Then I convince myself -not even knowing- that it's no big deal @ all.'
And still a year later....same feelings.

Help me to Love you like you have never been Loved before.

For yourself

I feel like I have lost so much respect for myself. It seems that to most people probably that I have so much respect for myself. But when I see myself I don't see self respect. People respect me more then I do myself. And I don't know why. I don't understand why I let myself do this stuff. I have allowed myself to fall back into this... I tried so hard to get out; and I was good. Then here we go again. I wasn't even thinking. And it's a bad situation thats probs gonna cause some drama...and well I don't do drama. So this will be interesting. Uh. I guess this is all part of growing up...

I realized tonight that I only look at the bad things that I do as a person. When I think of all the things that I do; I think of all the things that I do wrong....Everytime I fall short....fall way short- that's what I look at. And I realized this cuz Meghan always points out the good in me and tells me not to look at the bad stuff. It's over and I can't do anything about it. And I know that- We learn from our mistakes and we become a better person...and we wouldn't be that person if we didn't go through those things. But still those are the things that I think about. And I don't know why. I do good things. lol. I hope so.

Nothing in my hand I bring,

Simply to your Cross I cling;

Naked, come to you for dress;

Helpless, look to you for Grace;

Foul, I to the fountain fly;

Wash me, Savior or I die

T.kellner

Have you Ever

Have you ever wanted to be someone else

Have you ever wanted to be someone

Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams

Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems

I have tasted of a love so wide That it stops all my time

I have tasted of a love so deep That it blows my mind

Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky

Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say good-bye

Have you ever wanted someone to care

Have you ever wanted someone to be there

I have tasted of a love so wide That it stops all my time

I have tasted of a love so deep That it blows my mind

He is sweet, He is sweet

What your looking for Is my sweet, sweet Jesus

What You're looking for Is my sweet Lord

Shawn McDonald

No Time

I don't think I have ever been so busy...EVER. I feel like I'm constantly stressed, and every moment I can get to get 'out' I take it. And usually it's spending an hour in the ARA, or talking in the hall with someone for an hour, or just sitting down doing absolutely nothing....Which are all things that I cannot afford to do with my time..but if I don't I would Prob's die of stress.
I have this weird thing with procrastination. I think that if I don't get something done like 2 days before it is due...I'm like screwed. So procrastinating for me is still early. Thats why I think I feel so stressed (and well the fact that my weakness is that I tend to take to put to much onto my plate...and do them all) It's my weakness in all aspects of life...with YoungLife, school, doing things for other people, and simply just hanging out with people. Like Term paper due in like a Month...and well I'm already freaking out about it cuz well I haven't started. I guess thats a good thing, cuz then I always get it done. I just need a break...and well Spring Break couldn't come any faster> that is for sure!
I have been having some really bad pain in my back lately too. And well it always hurts; but this is like unbearable. It makes me cry...which is weird to me (and well stress is making me cry to so that just adds to it haha. oh geeze) I started taking pain killers for it today...which is something that I hate doing-but I can't take this. I have knots all over and I'm super tight....and I know that being stressed out over so many things that I can't even think of them all is not helping one bit. I just need the weekend, and well it's Friday (early morning) and it still feels SOOOO far away. I just need a break-so bad. This weekend will be good though...Spending it with people that I love (not stressful on the weekends) and prob's doing some homework and watching College Basketball--thats a pretty stressless weekend.

Team Space Jam

So Team Space Jam for IM basketball takes the court tonight. haha. Without Leann! The flying V will never be the same without you girl. I will let you know how we end up doing this year. No more throwing the dart before I shoot the free-throw....Only you appreciated that.

Let Reggae Hit You

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!
"Rise up this mornin',Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

What does that Look like to you

So 2am...and I'm still up...It appears to be like spring semester of last year...But I would stay up late talking to him. Now for this past week I have been staying up just thinking about him....And well talking... But mainly thinking. Why can't he leave my mind? I do care about him. I really do... I try to convince myself that I don't but thats like lying to myself...and well I can lie to myself really well-but it's getting old. What is the purpose of this? I know God made it so clear to me this summer that He isn't the one for me. Why would he allow someone so great come in to my life otherwise? I was sure that it was to show me that I deserve better- and that it's out there... And I'm being patient...shoot I'm 19, and way to Independent to be in a relationship right now-- So why are these feelings comming back?

I've been so emotional lately...Why do I cry so much and not know why? uh. I can't believe I still deal with this. Maybe one day I'll understand. One thing that still remains in my life that is constant is the Faith that I have. My actions may not be well with what they should be or my words/emotions...But my Faith has always been so pure and huge in my life.
'I love You fervently and devotedly, O Lord, my Strength. The Lord is my Rock, my Fortress, and my Deliverer; my God, my keen and firm Strength in Whom I will trust and take refuge, my Shield, and the Horn of my salvation, my High Tower.' Ps 18:1-2

'May God Bless you and keep you, may he make his light to shine upon you, and bring you his peace and understanding.'-Words of my Dad in a letter.

Lead me to your Destination

So I'm crazy. Thoughts of taking a year off of school have been entering my mind for the past week...Why?
If my parents move to Jamaica in the next 6 months....I will more then likely take a year off and go with them. But if they don't then what is the point in going. I can't really do any ministry on my own down there....well God can do anything so maybe. AH!
So today God or I...hard to distinguish- How bout stay here till I'm done then go....which is what I was kind of planning. I have so much to learn about myself..and ministry itself....God don't send me now...wait 2 years. But really what is keeping me here at North Park for the next 2 years...My teammates-thats the biggest reason I can think of. and I love soccer- my body doesnt though. YIKES YIKES YIKES. Don't think that I'm just going to drop out of school and leave the country like right now. Cuz it's probs not going to happen> but do I need a year off. Oh My. I don't even want to go there.

The Kingdom works from 'A to C'.....So this whole process I'm going through is part B....But no one knows what that is. Frusterating. ALways.--Sell and leave everything for the Kingdom...What exactly does that mean for me?

Thoughts and Confusion...Mixed with Desire

I think that I am homesick... But I'm not sure. haha. There are just a few people that I really want a hug from that are back home. Or not here. I feel so needy right now. Ew... It's weird. I'm not a very needy person. Now I feel like I'm whining. I'm not though! lol. Uh there is just so much going on inside of my head and heart right now that I just don't know what to do with it besides Hug someone. Weird. But I think thats how I feel. Comfort. Dinner with Mom and Dad. Laying in the grass with my Dog. A ten minute hug with Dink. A catch up with Cot. Uh so many things.
My emotions in the past 24 hours I can't even describe them, because I don't know what they are. Feelings comming back that I had before. I don't need this. It's not going to work. There are things that don't work between us. There are things that I have realized since June. Those things should make a difference. Why does talking again all of a sudden start changing how I feel. AJay remember why I lost interest. I just need to keep reminding myself that. Why is it so easy to go back? He knows me so well. He reads me like a book. He knows that I'm not okay with this but he also knows the things that I need to hear. But I don't want to hear them from him; I want them to come from somewhere else.
I want to hug my Dad so bad right now. He knows what I want. Why are my dreams so out of control? Why is my heart in so many places? And why are the places that my heart is at so far away? and not here?
*Rely on the Strength of the Lord*

Gospel

When circumstances in my life go wrong, I struggle but I know al my punishment fell on Jesus and that he may allow this for my training, he will exercise his Fatherly love within my trial. When I am criticized I struggle, but it is not critical for me to think of myself as a 'good person.' My identity is not built on my record or my performance but on God's love for me in Christ. I can take criticism-but it's not easy. That's how I became a Christian. My identity and self-worth are centered on the one who died for His enemies, who was excluded from the city for me. I am saved by sheer grace. So I can't look down on those who believe or practice something different from me. Only by Grace I am what I am. I have many good things in my life- family, friends, school, sports, spiritual disciplines, etc. But none of these good things are ultimate things to me. None of them are things I absolutely have to have, so there is a limit to how much anxiety, bitterness, and despondency they can inflict on me when they are threatened and lost...Adapted from Time Keller.
'We cannot escape the embarrassment of standing stark naked before God. It is no use for us to try to cover up like Adam and Eve in the garden. Our attempts at self-justification are as ineffectual as their fig leaves. We have to asknowledge our nakedness, se the divine substitute wearing our filthing rags instead of us, and allow him to clothe us with his own righteousness.'

Comming to you...

Prayer by DMX-
Let us pray; Father God I am just learning how to pray, so bear with me. First I thank you for the life of everyone that's here with me. Then I thank you for the love you give me, why?I don't know; I don't deserve it, and it hurts inside. Many a nights I cried, and called your name out loud But didn't call you when I was doin good, I was too proud And still you gave me love, I wasn't used to that. Most of the people that gave me love, they ended up takin it back. That's somethin new to me, so I'm askin you for time to adjust. Let me make it there, I will be one you can trust. What I stand for, I put my life on, I DO!I guess what I'm askin is - show me how to stand for you And I will rap for you, sing for you, preach for you, teach for you reach for you - I will love you like you love me, unconditionally And I will ALWAYS be prepared, for whatever the mission'll be. GIVE THE NUTRITION TO ME, and I'll properly digest it. And when I give it back, I'll show you word well invested. And whenever I go, BEFORE I GO, let me give Thanks to you Lord, my birth, for every day that I've livedYou gave me a love most of my life I didn't know was there IN THE NAME OF JESUS! I give you my life, cause you care...Amen

LSD Weekend

So this weekend was the Leadership Staff Development weekend for YoungLife. It was a good time. It was really nice to connect with the leader's from our team that went. It was really nice to hear about things that are frusterating to everyone. Sometimes I feel alone in the things that drive me crazy about myself or more specific the things that drive me crazy about doing YoungLife in the City. It's so hard for me to feel useful in the city. I know ministry isn't easy...It never is; but it's so hard for me to go without using my gifts. I guess it's a good way to work on using my other gifts; but I know even know what to use. Or where to start. Contact work doesn't exist... It's just so hard for me to understand how am I supposed to meet kids at Lane. One thing that is really nice, even though it isn't for YL is that I am helping out with the soccer team at Von. And those kids are so awesome. It's contact work, but not for Club. Oh well relationship's are relationships. I guess there is this thing between Von kids and Lane kids, so they won't go to club together. Uh. I get in; and it's not even an in. But oh well I guess. We will see where God is taking this one....All I do is ask that he shows up.
This weekend just put me at peace with some things that I'm going through to. It was just really nice to hear about sin in the lives of people and how the fact that I feel completely unworthy to do God's work more then I ever have; that it's completely okay. If that even makes sense.
There are so many things going through my mind... But I feel so good right now. Being away from school for a whole weekend and just being able to take time to myself....and being with people that I love... SO GREAT!