Reasons for Doing...

There has been a lot of things that I have wanted to post on here for a while....But I haven't....and I'm probs not going to talk about them. But it's fine.

So tonight at 6 degrees we talked about a few different things that really had me thinking today other than chapel...So since 6 degrees was not long ago and that's fresher....I'm going to talk about that.
The text was Romans 14.
We basically talked about whether things are alright to do or not.
My thoughts or things that are going through my head-
The things that I do...if they are causing other people trouble or to stumble...than I am in the wrong. The idea of having a tattoo came up tonight. And well I have one. So the question of what does my tattoo mean and how does me having it affect others. Basically I thought about my grandma and how she doesn't know that I have it. But if she knew what would she do. I know that it is something that she does not promote. But because mine has true meaning....actually many meanings...so she would think differently. And I know that my Grandma respects everything I do...because most things I do that are big deals I put a lot of thought into. So then Basically I started to think about how much I Love my grandma...and called my dad. haha.
My Grandma is more than just a grandma to me. She is a friend of mine. One of the best friends that I have. And I took advantage of the time that my grandpa was around...but I was so young and didn't really know that my grandparents were so interesting...and that they weren't just old people.
I'm just thankful that my Grandma is still around and she means more to me than 95% of the people that I am around here at school. I wish I could be with her everyday. And I Love her so much. soo that didn't go where I wanted it to go.

Kindness and Love over trump morality. I don't want to think in terms of what is moral or good...I want to think and act in terms of Love and Kindness. What is truly going to help the people around me.
--Why do I do the things that I do--
Why do I wear the words Purity and Faith---What do those mean in my life?
Why are they important.

Is This About Me?

So instead of writing me paper on the Berlin Conference on West Africa....I would rather read blogs and write on my own.
So I just read Donald Miller's post from today. He talked about his new book and how he basically just wrote about himself...Made me think of this thing.
--I write on here...and I write about myself. Why Do I write about myself?..I mean I'm not going to really write about anything else....the Berlin Conference isn't interesting me enough to even write a paper about it. lol.
Miller brought up a point about the fact that when he writes about himself he can be kind of vulnerable because he isn't looking someone in the face....but at the same time still seem like he still has it together.
--He also mentioned that when he writes he can write about something...and it kind of makes him think that someone else cares. And that maybe what he is writing about himself can relate to someone else.

**Confession: I write in a Journal and a Blog. My journal is very broken. It's filled with Praise and doubt. It's filled with Shame and Confidence. My Journal helps me work out my thoughts with God and myself. My Blog is just kind of here to unpack other things. There is some emotion...and I think that's there so maybe someone can just read what I am going through. Other things that I write about are just thoughts...and maybe someone else is thinking the same thing. Or it fit their life as well. Then maybe there is a discussion that happens later in person or through comments that is pulled from a post.

--Why Do I Read Other peoples Blogs?
I think that sometimes I just get sick of myself. I'm really not the type of person that in a conversation just wants to talk about myself. In all honesty I'm not really confident enough to. and Also I don't really have great things to say....or have something interesting that went on. And most of the time I just want to hear about the person..(depending on the person though).
--I also like hearing about what others are reading or thinking about....it makes me think of things myself...Like this whole post.

Sometimes It's All You Need

I have had a lot of things that I have wanted to say since my last post...but I had failed to post them. So oh well.

So last week my Great Aunt passed away at age 92. She lived a great full LONG life. Her death pleases me in a way that I can look at her life and be like 'she truly lived.' I was kind of upset that I couldn't really go home for the funeral. My dad was in it, and I wish that I could have been there for my Grandma cuz they were very close. I called her Aunt Bernice. Sometimes I feel like I was closer to her than my own sister. But sometimes that really can't say much. But we were close. I just hope that my grandma sticks around for more years to come. I think that she is 89 now. She is like one of my best friends. I Love her so much. And she is a big reason that keeps me coming home during breaks at school. I want to spend as much time with her that I possibly can.
--So because my dad was in the funeral yesterday he couldn't come to the game..(which by the way I feel like I don't do anything....and I'm annoyed by my performance) So my mom made the trip up here by herself. My sister was supposed to come with her...but my mom waited around for 2 hours...and well guess who was a No show....That really makes me feel good. lol. And my Mom...she was pretty upset about the whole situation. But her and I just hung out. Talked about a lot of things which was good. Laughed together, shared stories. Just spent real community with each other. She was the shoulder that I needed to cry on last night. And I thank her for that.
I like have this feeling inside of me, and I think that I'm actually getting home sick. Which is weird because I spend a lot of time with my family during season. But I just want to be with my Mom and Dad. Which well in a Month we are all going to Tennessee to see my grandpa...so that will be great. But I don't know what's wrong with me.

-I had dinner with Kara the other night. It was so great to just listen to things that are going on in her life and just talk with her about things that really matter to me. I really enjoy the community that she brings to our relationship and the Love and just great friend qualities that she brings.
--Hanging out with Jenni was so good too! Time spent was not meaningless time whatsoever.

Galatians 6:7-10 was my study today.
"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."
-When I read this early this morning a couple of things came to my mind. Every action that I do or perform has results. What type of actions am I doing in my own life? Who am I trying to please?
Another thing that came to mind is this whole topic of doing what is right. When I do something that is right...or maybe it is an ongoing thing, sometimes it's hard to continue or even do in the first place because I cannot really see any tangible results. Is what I am doing really good? and if So why don't I see it being/doing good things? (just something that may come to mind sometimes.)
*In this text Paul Challenges us to keep doing good and trust for the results**
--Then I think why do I do good things for results?--I mean I guess it's because I am human, and people seeing that what I am actually doing is good and letting me know that what I am doing is good makes us as humans feel good. and probs makes us feel like it's worth something.
Anyways those are just thoughts. It was very encouraging to me today...Hope that it can Bless you.

....to face what I feel

So much went on yesterday...Too much.
--Getting chewed out was awful. Things like that Have never been said to me....well since things in the past with my Mom. So that was hard....
But my sister is so unstable in her life....and her husband is drinking again....and she is talking about leaving him....But she came up with my parents today...with my NIECE! I was so happy. Today was so good. My parents are so weird....lol. and not your normal parents...But that is why I Love them so much. They don't care. Uh. I Love them. And I Love how much they Love each other. And I'm glad that they got to meet Kara. Cuz well I know that they miss being a part of my friends' lives. So that's good for them.

We lost tonight...1-0...and that sucks. Cuz that would have gotten us into the tourny...So now we have to rely on others to loose. Oh well. I wish I had a stable spot on the team. But that is another story.

So I have other things to talk about that I was thinking about this week. lol. But SNL is on and Drew Barrymore is hosting :-)

SO FUNNY!

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/OM5IjE2HVXEaAw40

me and 3 of my teammates
Sarah is the scientist
Caroline is Frankenstein
Gina is the Lady
Emily is the Vampire...
And yes I am the Wolf lol

Everything

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? 

--Lifehouse--

Northwoods

I miss my church back home. They are doing a sweet series right now...But I can listen to them online....but I usually don't have time for that...But they are doing a Spiritual growth thing or something...and they are posting the training things everyday....So that's great.

http://blogs.nwoods.org/experience/

Check it out daily.

Some Will Seek Forgiveness...Others will Escape

So tonight I didn't really get anything done...which is kind of a bummer cuz I wanted to get at least half of my paper done...But it's okay. It isn't due until Thursday...But I want to go to the guys game tomorrow--but we don't have practice...so again homework party. ha. Tonight was more about Community for me. I bake pumpkin bread...so I took it to Colleen and Aaron. Chatted with them...(I prolly should have went over there to write this paper with them...but Kara was coming over...so packing up is annoying.) Came back to the apartment...and my Itunes playing just calms me...and being aware of God's presence. Then Kara came over....--The best distraction that I had all night--
I enjoy her company a lot. But our schedules don't mesh at all. So that's a bummer. Maybe doing Homework together will be our way of seeing each other...besides actually trying to hang out and talk. I really enjoy listening to the things that she has to say. She chews on things a lot. and I Love that because that is something that I really like to do. So to hear someone talk about something she chews on while I'm here at North Park is well I Love it.
--I said something tonight about something being out of my comfort zone so I don't do that...And I wish I could remember what I said it about...because being comfortable and avoiding something because it's out of my comfort zone...well it isn't something that I want to do. So shoot. What was it! eh anyways.
--Conversation with Kara is real...genuine...Love...Important to have. It's like Lori...but here. But not the same obviously cuz if Lori was here....well that would be awesome. And we would hang out every single day! lol. But I don't have that conversation with others here....and it's because what I have around me...I can't hold a conversation that means something with Michelle....which sucks cuz we sleep in the same room...but it just turns into I'm better than that....or that's dumb I will always be comfortable in my life....or her just trying to outdo something that I'm talking about. But Patience is something that I will treasure in this.

---I know that this is an obvious thing but I thought about it tonight while talking to Kara...Reading the Bible shows me new ways of the one that I serve. Of the one that I Love. And I want to read His word because I want to learn more about Him daily so I can learn how to Love him more each day. And it all goes back to the way that I see my parents Love each other. They learn each day a better way to Love one another. And that is what the Word shows me daily. If I Love the One that I serve more than anything...learning how to show Him that Love comes from his Word daily. ---

Cindy came over for some Pumpkin bread after Kara left. Taking me away from my paper...But it was great to just talk to her about the Psalm that I'm writing about and to just talk about our bodies....and she wanted to know about my back...and how much pain I really am in. Which was good...cuz I don't ever talk about my pain that much. So her asking really made me think about it.

So now I'm gonna write again...Which is great because while the rest of the world is sleeping....or when the only company I have right now is Great company--it's the best time to write.
"I want to learn to Love you like you have never been Loved before."-MT

Going to Pastor Judy's house tomorrow for 6 degrees. I don't really know what to expect....This is definitely out of my comfort zone to meet with people that I really don't know...But that is what life is about. He's not going to give me change....but he gives me the opportunity to change....or to do anything.

You Say

So I spent almost 6 hours today in the Library figuring out the exegesis meaning of Psalm 62 for a 7 page paper. I found out while doing my research and coming up with the meanings for different things within the verse and within Book 2 of the Psalms that 7 pages is probs gonna be an easy number to get to. Well I hope at least. I feel like this is gonna be more than 7 pages....but then again I like to make my point and be done.
But doing the exegesis on the Psalm was really cool. Hard/fun...but cool. I'm going to start using the notes that Boaz gave us for the paper for when I am just doing my daily Devos. It's useful...I get a lot of different things and views out of it, and it's more interactive with the Word.
Anyways...it's due Thursday...and because I want to know everything about...and go above and beyond cuz I enjoy it....I am going to be really busy this week. Which leads to my next thing...
--I don't want to allow myself to become to busy for the relationships that I want to invest time into. I have already done this to one already this semester....actually just in prolly the past 2 weeks. And I'm not really involved in anything. I just spend my time....or maybe waste my time in community....or if you can even call that community....with other people. And I'm really sorry about this. I don't want this to slip away. God gives me opportunities...It's my choice on whether I take them or not. So especially this week...and weeks to come when I'm extremely busy with school...I need to prioritize my relationships....I'm shorting those people...and it's not fair for them.
And I haven't even really started YoungLife stuff yet...besides mentally and praying about what should be done...All I'm doing is meeting with my team every other week. But once I start working with Kids and stuff...or planning more....Life gets crazy...
--Learning about what's important everyday--

College Life was prolly one of the best that I have ever been at. Especially after last week. Last week was good for me...but I was more broken then....and just really felt like crap...but good at the same time....Tonight it was just God and I like last week...but I don't know. And P.Judy being completely honest just helps me be honest with myself and others when it comes to the issue.
So Basically I'm a very independent person....and it's a bad thing...I need to rely on others a little more. Which sounds funny...but being too independent is just as bad as being too dependent....there is a good balance between the two...I just have to find that...and ask God to help me be okay with being Uncomfortable in allowing people to help me....or making people feel as if they are needed in my life....That as a 'Body' I need them. Living like this gives others a picture of what community looks like....what REAL healthy community is. I grew up basically taking care of myself...With really no one around to help me. It is all that I really know. My family was like that 2. I pray that God helps me with Community. Maybe all I'm missing is the willingness to allow people to do things for me in my life. Maybe that is the opportunity I am passing up. Maybe the opportunity is the fact that I don't see if people want to hang out...I'm so Independent that I would rather sit and do something by myself than invite someone...cuz in all reality I think that people have better things to do than to hang out with me...But really maybe all they need is for me to be like hey....tomorrow Starbucks? or something. Ashley-Get uncomfortable. And I thought that I was...looks like I'm still a little comfortable.

I have alot of things on my mind...But it's 2am....Time to try and fall asleep....I don't know why...but I haven't been able to sleep well all through the night since wednesday. I get like 2 hours...lay there for 2 hours...and so on. It's probs not healthy...But I don't understand. Maybe I'm stressed...or maybe this Community thing is getting in my head..Or other things that have been going on...But I hope that tonight I can fall asleep when I lay down....Or after a little while....not after laying there for 3 hours....But I'm not really tired now....but I just want some solid sleep...

'Teach me to Love You life I've never Loved before'

Talk it out...

This sickness is going away....thank God.
--I'm still very emotional....which is weird cuz I'm an emotional person to start out with... but being broken (I guess that is what this is) has a lot to do with it. My heart breaks for other people right now...just peoples lives and they way that they live...or the ways that they see things. I understand people see things differently...but living like this is annoying to me. Okay God....I'm not comfortable...now what are you going to do with this. I guess I'm just gonna vent a little bit right now....which is something that I try to avoid on here....but I need to.
So tonight I'm on the phone with Katie....about meeting up....Michelle (current roommate) is like shouting the EF bomb....which slightly annoys me for many reasons....so I get off of the phone....Dude language check....that could have been my Mom on the phone.....So she uses the Ef word a lot and talks about how she doesn't care---well I do...and I have respect for me Mom and what she hears....or in this case Katie---the she continues to say I have been on my period for 2 weeks I have a reason to be like this....TIME OUT!--I don't care if you are dieing...you have no reason to not act out of Love....So then I walked off quickly...and cried...What the Heck AJAY! crying because of that...I just think that she is stressing me out...cuz Love is hard in this situation. Lord teach me to Love the unlovable.
Last night was really hard to..cuz I honestly felt like I was dieing in bed....and she was yelling with a friend in the apartment....Sarah even told her I was sleeping...but I don't get it. She is like a child....It's okay. My dad said sometimes people just need someone to take care of them in life....I need to get past my Independence and remember that some people need to be taken care of I guess. Uh. I'm done...I hate complaining.

So John Burke in Soul Revolution brought up a great point the other night...and it has been making me think for the past few days.--"If we stubbornly plug our ears to God's will in ONE area, we won't hear in ANY area." So like if I feel a little nudge....and I don't go out on a limb in Faith....It will be harder for me to hear that Nudge...or feel that nudge for the bigger things in my life. Take for instance....recently- 'Ash...you should call her right now.' So I don't cuz I'm like why... that's weird, we are both to busy for each other. an hour later- 'Ash you should call her' anyways you get the point... I don't. So instead of taking that small leap of Faith and calling that person...I'm plugging my ears to God's will in One area...that's just a small example. So I haven't trained myself to openly hear all of God's will(s) upon my life....so hearing bigger will(s) becomes harder....cuz I haven't trained myself....I don't know if that makes sense....but it hit me.
-I haven't been allowing myself to truly rely on my Faith lately. I have Faith God will provide community....But I don't live that way. I still go out on Saturday nights with the community I feel comfortable in....Why? I have Faith tattooed on my Body....It's there for a reminder...ah. anyways. Come on Ash!


**--Today Larry Acosta spoke at Chapel....One thing he said really stuck with me.
"It's that pain that allows me to be more Relevant to the people around me."
---SuAnne pretty much said that exact same thing to me this summer when I came home. It was just reassuring... And the follow up to that in my own life....is that Change that is being made...that has been made....that allows me to be even MORE Relevant to the people around me. What do people see when they see me now?--that girl that didn't care how she was representing herself and the way that she was representing Christ---or that girl that wakes up daily trying to allow the Holy Spirit to take control of her life and lead her through the mess of life?


I want to live my life....the way that a child lives every day.....I want to have Faith like a child has Faith. I want my Faith to be new and renewed everyday. Dieing daily because of that Faith..
This post has to end.....Goodnight.