Coming Home Again

I'm leaving for home tomorrow at 6am.

Spending my night with the people I Love most...I'm glad Kara is going to Katie's going away thing with me.
I Love them Both So much.

Katie has been the greatest thing these past 4 months. It's funny cuz we lived together last year. But I have changed so much...and Appreciate her like no other. She is going to have an awesome time in Martinique. I already miss her!

Jamaica!! Can't wait...Omar! Pastor James! Petra! it's going to be awesome...Oh yeah and LEANN!! So pumped...talked to my mom about it for like an hour today :-)

Faith

Last night I went to a worship service that I friend was doing for finals. I'm not stressed about finals so it was just a time for me to just be around people that I Love.
I went with Katie. And Katie fascinates me because she is so mysterious. and Cynical. haha. But learning about her beliefs and what she questions on that walk that we went on was so great. We both have doubts. and she makes me feel more normal about the doubts that I have. Not that I care if I'm normal or not. --
I believe in God, and I have Faith. I know that Faith is one thing that always remains constant in my life. But sometimes with God I feel empty. If that makes sense. Christ is supposed to fill us. But I don't think it's as simple as that. A lot of times I do feel great. And right now I do. But last night I would say that I guess I was like katie. I guess I was cynical. One of the girls leading it...She believes. And her faith is great. And she is joyful....but does she ever question.
I used to be a lot like her. And I'm glad that I'm not like that all of the time anymore.
I learn more about myself everyday. And what it means to be apart of this world. And I don't know what my role is. Or if what I am doing is doing anything. Or that I'm not even doing anything. But I have faith that God will fill me.
*When I got my tattoo I was just going to have the fish be outlined. And it looked really cool. But then I had the guy fill it in because my Faith is not empty. It is not just an outline. It is filled. And I trust that Christ fills that. And that it overflows. and that when I am with people that they can see Jesus. I don't know that. But I trust. and I have Faith.
Jamaica in 4 days.

Somewhere else

People assume things....and that makes all of this hard.
If I just came in this year- then they would know.
It's a need.
I'm trusting that this is all in God's timing.
Talked to Kara on Sunday. We kind of touched the surface of what is going on.
It's hard to just say it.
I know I'm supposed to allow others to share in it...Well they do back home. But it's hard here.
Because the problem is here.
I'm thankful that I'm different. But it makes it harder.
The girls in the other apartment....uh. It's hard.
Maybe the group that transfers in at semester.
Maybe I'll fit in there.
But I can't look to the future.
I have to look to the now.
How do I make this great now!
I need this to be great now.
The inside.
It hurts.
It's like a cave inside...and I feel it.
Lay it down...
He fills that.
But there is a need....a need for that.

Joshua Radin

You asked me to write a tune
All about the things that go wrong
And then you asked me to come home soon
To the place where I belong

But you stand on the other side
Of the line in this place
And you can't see me, you are blind
And this you can fake
No, this you can fake.

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

And I don't know if I can write about
Chosen walls and the things you feel
And I don't know if I can sing aloud
Closing doors showing you what's real

But I know when I close my eyes,
Late at night, there's only one thing
The night's shown that she can lie
Its your fight, show me something
Can you show me something

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

What do you want me to say
All I know is love - it's ok
I'll write what I know
And you do the same
Tell me I'm sane.

And sometimes, sometimes I wanna be
I scream that I wanna be
Anyone but me.

Meaningless...

Trying to make my story worth something...But I'm not doing anything...

I don't think that this is the place for me. I feel like I don't fit in here. And I know it's not about fitting in and stuff like that. But...uh.

I miss being able to always have people that I can always be able to rely on to hang out with. It's lonely...and this past month it has just really hit me hard. And I have been taking it out on my family...and I'm annoyed by that.

When I talked to SuAnne this summer about changing...and finding new friends, cuz I was getting myself into the wrong things hanging out with the wrong people. She said she thought it might be interesting for me to go to a counselor and just see like what things in my life mean...or just things like that....I've been thinking about that.

There's something going on....and I don't know what it is.

In Millers new book he talks about how when we live...if what we do is worth remembering it's a good story. I'm not doing anything....let along anything meaningful...and I'm trying to change this...but what does that mean.

Jamaica in a week

New Life

My sister had her baby Tuesday morning...Madelynn Bryant. She wasn't supposed to have it until we were in Jamaica...So I was really happy that I got to see the baby.
*Picturing what Isabella and Madelynn's life will look like is a definite blur. Which is great. I mean no one knows what is gonna go on with anyone. I'm just trusting that God will capture their hearts. My sister is so unstable. And it scares me. But I know that things will go the way they are supposed to I guess...And well I'm not going to always like that way.
It's a desire of my heart....and I hope that it is filled. I am just waiting for the moment when she truly feels Him in her heart...and she falls madly in Love with Him.

--I have a lot of things to talk about....Read a new book, went to Tennessee to see my Grandpa, caught up with some of the best people in my life, realized those around me here at NPU mean more to me then I thought, and thoughts on Jamaica.....But all of that will be posted in Time.

***"If what we choose to do with our lives won't make a story meaningful, it won't make a Life meaningful either."- Donald Miller***