----

She is the most convenient for me right now… and she doesn’t think so…but that is okay. I love talking to her. Seeing that she was actually calling me-well I was pretty excited. God is doing great things. And whatever he is doing is beyond what I would think that he would do…or beyond my control…or anything that I can even Imagine.

I could say a lot of things that I think Meghan is…or things that I think that she should….well just things that people realize about other’s that well they can’t seem to notice themselves…ha if that even makes sense…but it does in my mind…Lorie said things about me today that well I don’t think of that I think that I am. But she knows that I am those things…and well that is great. And I guess people need to hear those things. And Maybe that’s what I need to do…Maybe I just need to tell Meghan. But I’m sure she knows.

--The whole deal was really nothing. I still don’t understand what the whole thing was about. Ha. There is my intelligence for ya. All went way over my head. But I don’t have to worry about it. I’m not leaving. And I’m not letting this friendship sit on the back burner like I do all of the others…because well we figured out what my problem was….well you always knew ha…it was just me figuring out that what I do with my friends I do the exact same with you God….and well that was the answer to my question. I knew you wouldn’t hold onto that one forever… I just had to ask…and trust in you. And be honest with myself on how I treat the relationships that I have with people.

--Like I said…she is the most Convenient…and I need to find a new word for that…because that can mean like most convenient being like well she is always there…because well I know that she is not….but that is not what it means in this context at all. But I know what it means…and that is all that really matters.

I’m really at peace right now with all of this….after like being super upset and being super emo and teary and all sensitive and stuff…to not caring…to like hearing that it should be addressed- wondering what the heck are we fighting…because I want to know what it is about…..to well being at peace…and feeling comfort and well I guess Love. But I don’t really know if I feel Love. I think she well I don’t know how to say that.

And as for plans going out the window…well God prolly wants me to do something here…so I have to be fine with that…just a little upset I guess….2 days there and 2 days somewhere else was fine with me….but she thinks things are to complicated….as for her leaving. ha- I’m fine with that 2. People leave. Some come back…some go away forever-that’s alright. But shoot enjoy it while they are around…I guess I see things differently but then again I have been through it so much…Nothing remains constant in my life…besides Faith. And well I know that in all aspects of my life. Emily left. But what we had was an awesome chapter….one of the greatest…she was a senior…and I was a freshman..ha there ya go right there.. I just got to make the most of it while she was around…she was my best friend at the time. I lived at her house for a month in a half. It was one of the best month’s ever (next to work crew of course lol). Then she went to college…and well I was a sophomore in HS. Then well she got married….and I was a sr. in HS. And at the reception when they did the bride and groom dance…then they each went out to grab someone else…well I was the first one she picked…and we got to talk…and we both agree that time of our lives was great…and we would never take them back…now she is married and living in Colorado….who knows when I will ever see her again…but she will always remain in my heart because well I Love her…and she is still Convenient to me….

-So even though you will be gone….but you won’t cuz I will most likely be living across the street…we have to make the most of the time that God allows us to be near each other. My friends that are the most convenient to me well they aren’t close in distance to me anymore….and that is okay. I Love you!

I’m applying to work at Castaway for Session 3 this summer. I have to get away. And well I have changed…and you don’t know this me. This is who I am…this is who I want to be…and this is how I want to represent Christ. I have been so open about the person that I allowed myself to be this past year…and it’s really surprising…I told Lorie today and she was well shocked….and I told SuAnne last week and well she realized she has to hold me more accountable. Lol. But hey I’m fine with that. I know who I am supposed to be….and how well I don’t have potential…that doesn’t make sense to you…but I know what I mean. Working at Castaway is going to be hard. And I’m gonna have to rely on Christ on a different level…and I’m fine with that….I know where my Strength comes from…and that is all that I need…It’s just nice to have people like Meghan in my life who make things that much more enjoyable.

Love- It’s what I am feeling right now. And it is what I want the rest of the world to feel. And it is what I want to show everyone. ‘There is no commandment greater than these.’

*Holy Spirit Reign down on Me*

What is Convenient....

People handle things differently from e/o. and the way that some people handle things really makes me scratch my head and wonder where is the Love in that..Or where is the anything for that matter in that. And really what is the point of that... God is really teaching me a lot everyday...but these things not so much. But I know that all I can do is pray...and question....and wonder. Was this Convenience...or Real. What is it that I have that isn't convenient...that seems like the real question. Every relationship that we have is convenient....We don't need any of these people or things....And we know that...Lauren is convenient for me...SuAnne is convenient for me...Derek is convenient for me...Leann is convenient for me...Meghan is convenient for me...Lorie is convenient for me...My father is convenient for me...and the list goes on...You get the point. The difference is-how convenient are these people for you. Some are more convenient to me than others. Some really aren't convenient at all...but they are there-So their convenience 'level' is not as high as others. The only thing that you may call 'Real' in my life well is the Godhead 3 in 1. And that is all I need. This thing that is 'Real' in my life though provides all of these conveniences. And he provides me with the opportunity...he doesn't make the convenient level for me....he provides me the Opportunity to use these people at my own convenience....and I thank him for blessing me with that...But I'm really bad at it....because the people that are what I guess I would call 'more' convenient I do not show them that they are. And I'm really sorry about that. 'Delight your self in the Lord; and he will grant the Desires of your heart.'-Psalm 37:4
Thank you for that.....

*Love....I struggle with it...I struggle with it alot. I know that I have to Love...and that is the greatest commandment from God....But it's the hardest for me...What is Love....I know what Love is.....How do I show that Love to other people. How do I show that Love to the people that are convenient in my life....cuz well I'm bad at it....And I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry for not showing you the Love that you deserve from me. I'm sorry for that person that we both know that I am not with you...and I'm sorry that you do not know who that person is...and maybe you do know who that person is..b/c well I don't know what you know--or who you are--or who you are trying to be--But I appologize that I do not show you the Love that you need from me..I'm not that convenient for you....and I guess that's okay...People have different levels of this thing we call convenience...and I don't know your Love language...That is something that I have been studying about people lately...and it's really interesting...and it will help me...but I don't really know what to think...and I don't know what to say to you... I just know that I miss you a lot...and that I'm sorry for what I did...and the person that I allowed myself to be....
--Show me how to Love...Teach me...'I can't-You must-...show me the way!'


I'm really excited to continue coaching the Von team...I learned a lot this year...and I know what I need to do differently...and I'm a different person so I will have to see how that goes in that atmosphere...I'm sure it will be fine-and I know God will be right there with me...providing me the strength to rely on his teaching and wisdom....So great.
I hope that Zury's summer with her father in Mexico goes well. She's scared...I pray that you give her comfort!
All those girls are on my heart right now...Thanks for everyone of them...they have all taught me so much

Never Say Never

I don't know why this happens....but it hurts...and I'm tired of it.
It has never hurt this bad though.

I have so many things that I want to fill the page with...thoughts...frustrations...Anger...Sadness...Struggles...disappointment...Wonder

But I can't...not here...not now...it's too hard.


I always said I was excited to see where God was taking this one....And I still am...I'm not giving up on this. I can't. I Love you. And I think that you are so great. I just realized last week my problem...so I thought I fixed it...and I'm trying but maybe there is something else...and if there is Lord please reveal that to me. You gave me the opportunity for communication...the opportunity to leave that door open....and I thought I did

Maybe it's something else.

Frustrated

Yesterday Ron called me and said that he decided that he changed his mind about hiring me because of some kind of cut....
I was really upset...I had to leave my mom inside the restaurant sitting there by herself so I could go to the bathroom and cry....I really wanted that job. It was something that I put a lot of time into and really thought I was going to get it. I wish he would have told me this like a month ago...instead of telling me that in a few weeks you will be hanging out with kids at the park and really doing something that you will enjoy...uh....
God's plan in this is hard to see...but I have to trust in him...just slightly frustrated

Things happen...and that's Okay

I had SuAnne read some of my Journal entries from this year...And I was completely honest with her and that felt really good.


I really try...but I don't know what else to do with you


Last week SuAnne and Lorie had a table at campaingers about the Love Languages...It was really interesting...figuring out my own Love Language- how I like to be Loved by other people...and then trying to see how I Love other people...and then looked at my closest friends and try to find how they would like other people to Love them...It was really interesting...and trying to find how someone really wants to be Loved is an act of Love as well... I thought about it all week. and it was kind of neat...

--Ask and it will be Given....The greatest thing that you can sk for is the person of the Holy Spirit....Can you imagine what God can do through you with the Holy Spirit? This week I have really been thinking about the Holy Spirit inside of me...and well the Holy Spirit is Amazing...words can't describe it. 'The Dynamit of God.'
Holy Spirit-Reign Down On Me! The only way I can deal with my Holy Discontentment is with the Holy Spirit...Here I am Send me--

Tearing down the Walls--Lorie and I built an awesome room last night...and God showed up....so Great.

SuAnne and Dave are having me drive them to the Airport June 27th...They also want me to stop by to see friends in Chicago...The girls have a soccer tournament...so I'll prolly stop by that...but it's not really what I want to do--There flight is at like 9am...so maybe I'll just drive straight home cuz there really isn't anyone in Chicago I am really dieing to hang out with that is going to work out....so bummer...Then I'm driving back up for the Taste..But that will be nice...and I promised Kelsey so I'm glad that is going to work out. and Then I'm picking them back up from the Airport July 5th. God is good for making things work out.

I miss you. But I'm okay with that. Well I have to be. And I don't know how hard to try...I pray that you are doing well. And that you are alright. I'm sorry. and I don't know why I am...but I am. I need to be okay with the way that things are... And I trust that God will bring someone else into my life when I move back to school. Or maybe he won't have to. But I have faith in the unknown.

¹⁵I do not understand what I do. For what I want to doI do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

²¹So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²²For in my inner being I delight in God's law; ²³but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. ²⁴What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ²⁵Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Romans 7:15-25

I can honestly say that I have grown up so much....It's kind of weird how it has happened....but it has...even in the past 2 weeks....And it's not a bad thing....I mean trust me I don't want to grow up..and be a grown up....That's not who I am...but Yeah...

It's working through those things that makes us so great.

I Love Northwoods

I miss you

They are just words...

Words come to me and they leave me...My mind is in so many places.


It's raining outside...hard...This is a new beginning for me. I need to find who I really am. God has created me in his Image....and what does that look like. Tears stream down my face...what do those mean...those are tears that God has created himself. Every tear that streams down my face is of some importance...I know this is a weird thing to talk about...but sometimes I cry and that's just it...How does God use those tears...What are they for...How does it make me feel to cry/to finish crying/ to start crying...

Who am I and who do I want to be? How do I want to represent Christ in this world. How do I want to represent myself?

I'm bad at keeping friends...I'm bad at communication with people...and I'm sorry about that. I tell myself to just rely on God...it's his plan...But effort has to be put forth...and I know that.

'As Is' God is using me.

I have been avoiding God lately...Bad at communication. 'As Is' is okay with him. My relationships with people reflect my relationship with God....That is where it all starts. I'm sorry for rolling up the window on you all of the time. Imago Dei.

Faith...I've kept it through all of this...It means something to me.
--I'm getting a Tattoo this week....and it has a story....It's my story..God's story...The story that God has created in me.--

-This summer is going to be good...I'm gonna do a whole lot of being at home and working out....and hopefully working...Spending time with my Dad is something that I want to do as well...He should get his test results back sometime this week or next...I'm really nervous, but I trust that what God does in this is the best...and I'm alright with that. Or I tell myself that I am...but it's okay.

-I'm going back to Chicago for the Taste... I'm excited. Even if I only see you for 10 minutes....I'm okay with that. I've only been home for like a week and I'm different...'As Is.'
I've learned so much from you...I'm sorry I don't offer you that same thing...But I pray that God blesses you so much. And I know that he will. I Love You. and I like to think of you as 'Real.' You are Real. And I don't care what other people think about the way that we are. I feel comfortable around you...talking to you...just being around you....and that's okay. It's not weird.

Seeing the girls on the team yesterday was great. I had so much fun. Kelsey is great....and it's weird... but I hope that you look past that.

-My mom and I are very different people....and I find comfort in that.