.....

Today sucked!!
I'm really sick.....so that's annoying. I never get sick....
and well coach told me today at practice that I'm not playing on Thursday....which is fine....But we are playing Wheaton......I don't understand this.


Last night was weird...My heart broke in College Life and I felt it. I have never been that emotional at something like that. The tears just kept falling....and I couldn't speak. I don't know....I know what I was feeling...Loneliness....lack of Community....fear of things..... It was too much...But SuAnne called me right after which was a God thing. But alright....Bed time.

One Day at a Time

One day at a time I will walk this road I've traveled so far
One day at a time well I know I will carry on
One day at a time I can see you took my life this far
One day at a time I will take this faith along

All this hope I breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and I'll take all I will
To understand this plan you have for me, for me

I've been shut up shut down held out held down
In ways I never knew I would
But I can feel your fullness in my life
Well I've been burned out broken torn out torn down
In ways I never knew I would
But I can feel your fullness in my life

one day at a time

One day at a time I will take these words you've given me
One day at a time I will rest in knowing you
One day at a time I will share this gift you've given me
One day at a time I will walk these valleys through

And all I know is that I see
How much my heart is longing to be cradled by your side
Yeah, I'll give all I can
To one day soon be held by your hand, by your hand



In all these things I will press on,
I'll be with you I know it won't be long

Jeremy Camp

Yikes

I can't believe we lost tonight. But I'm glad that Paige did well...and that I didn't have to play. But whatever is going on out on that field....It has to change! I don't get it. Oh well. Carthage on Saturday...Lets do Work! fa sho. haha

Trying to be aware of God's presence throughout my day. Every hour. and trying to Converse with him about everything.
-It's hard, but so great. Doing life with God.....teaching me how to do life with others....cuz well...well first I have to trust God for people to do life with. But that's the joy in it I guess. lol.

--I'm tired. Physically and Emotionally. I'm just kind of Blah...but so good at the same time. Weird I know. But I kind of just want to go home....being here is still weird.

Trying to Find a place...

I don't know why I write in this thing. People don't really read it...and I don't care. ha. It just sometimes makes more sense when I write about things here...than the way that I write in my Journal. Because I do write in that all of the time...actually way more than I write on this Blog. I don't know. Eh anyways.

Community...What is that? I see it...and I have experienced it..I am apart of different communities...and I have community. But here is what is on my mind:
I'm a part of a community of people...but I don't want that to be my main community and it is. And it's not a healthy one for me to be in the center of. So I am slowly pulling myself out of it. I no longer participate in the things that they do...and they respect me for it...and they don't judge...well I don't think that they do, but they don't pressure me to do anything that I don't want to do. I Love them....don't get me wrong there. It's just not the type of community I need to be involved in. So I am getting out. But it's Lonely...For sure. Hands down. I can't even lie about that right now. I feel well I don't know if empty is the word..but I feel it in my stomach.
So now you say...well you are out of the community...so Join one...UH! I know I can't do this on my own...and I have been praying about it. But it's so hard. At North Park people are so comfortable within their groups that it is stepping on egg shells to try and get in....if you didn't start there. And maybe that is me being to comfortable just being alone....but really how comfortable is that...Not very. Only for a while. But then it just eats at you....and you fall into something else...something that is not so positive. So going out of my comfort zone and being Awkward with other people...so hard. And like with passing with people it's great... I know alot of people...and I Love alot of people here....but I'm not apart of their group. So in passing like I said is great.
So all of this is just really frustrating I guess. And trying to find my place in all of it just brings me back to myself and well Christ. Which is great. But like P. Judy said....we were created to be with others. Adam needed Eve. So this can only last so long.
I knew it was going to be hard. But it almost feels like a waste of time. I am taking advantage of the people around me....but how am I supposed to get connected with them?

LOVE....when it's said

I know that I talk a lot about Love....and Understanding what Love is and what Love actually looks like is something that I have been able to grasp more now than I ever have. I mean it is something that we will never truly understand the whole meaning of. I mean Mercy is the ultimate...well I think it is ...form of Love that is shown...and understanding that is crazy.
A couple of days ago I texted a friend and said I Love you.... But what odes that mean. What do I mean when I say that. I understand what Christ means when he tells me that he Loves me. But I understand that more...Mercy and Grace....But is that what that means when I tell someone that I Love them?
I know well yeah I know how to show someone Love....and I know what it is like to Love someone. But what does it mean to Say I Love You?

This prolly makes no sense....but it made sense in my head the other day. And well it still does.

All I Know- Matt Wertz

I don't know how the stars hang
Or how there's night and then there's day
I dont know how you spoke into the black
And made it all obey

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

I don't know how your love works
How you cover me in grace
I don't know how you swallow all I am
When I can't stand my taste

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

I can't explain your mystery
But I know the answer

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

Walt Mueller

Well Walt Mueller puts this very well....So I'm not gonna talk about it..you can read it yourself.

VMA Thoughts...

http://learningmylines.blogspot.com/

List of random 15

1.) I'm scared
2.) How do I get that Community in my Own life?
3.) The VMA's describe the generation every time they are on.
4.) Defining the West in the paper than I am writing makes me want to go back to Jamaica so bad.
5.) Sam Boul wanting to be on my leadership team for YoungLife makes me so happy and excited right now.
6.) Soon Cha spoke the same thing that P.Judy talked to me about on Friday.
7.) I really really hope that my knee feels fine when I wake up...and that nothing serious is wrong.
8.) 6 degrees..I think I'm gonna do that this year. I just have to email P.Judy back about it. It's been on my heart.
9.) Hanging out with Lori's sister today just made it more harder for me that Lori isn't around.
10.) I have so many things that I want to know right now...but I know that I won't know them until God wants to reveal them to me.
11.) I can't wait to spend time with my family on Saturday again. They are the only Community I am comfortable in right now...
12.) Being comfortable isn't what this life is about though!
13.) Having Faith.....It's easier to say
14.) LOVE
15.) Reveal to me the Desires of my heart...They are there...and I know I am longing for something...but I don't know what it is...or maybe I'm afraid to admit to what it is.

What's it like...

I met with Pastor Judy on Friday...and After that I was supposed to meet with Coach....well I couldn't because I just needed to sit in my room and cry and think about everything.

--Basically what I am trying to do is Impossible...and it's true. I cannot try to change my lifestyle on my own. I am trying to do it all by myself. Because the result of my lifestyle is Loneliness...and All summer I thought that was what I needed to change...I needed to fill that loneliness with Christ and not this lifestyle that is so easy to fall into. But really okay yeah that is true. But it is my nature...because I am human to want people. Adam needed someone so God gave him Eve. So it is impossible for me to just sit here at night so I don't go out with my 'friends.'
-Now where do I find that community. Uh here at North Park it's so hard because everyone already has their groups... and it's so hard to just join a group of friends when you didn't start off that way. And I'm shy. Uh it's just so hard and it makes me want to leave. Loneliness hurts and it's eating at me. I can be surrounded by a room full of people though and still be alone. And the result of that is that it isn't real community. Judy had a lot of other great things to say....cuz well she is so great. But that was the gist of the meeting I guess.

So my Knee is Effed up. And it's annoying. It just like gives out when it feels like and I can't do anything. So I was pretty pissed off yesterday. But I got to see Dave and Paula...which was awesome. I Love them. They are so great.

With all that Said...I had Wine last night. I knew I would fail in this...but it's how I react to it. But I only had a couple of glasses and well I just wanted the pain to go away before I went to bed...and that did it. But still....it's hard. Eh...anyways.

Too much.....
night for the Journal



meeting with pastor Judy tomorrow.

For more than a Feeling

So many things. And I don't really remember what I talked about last time... So I'm sorry if I repeat myself.
I Think about things so much...things. I know Ms. Scott (writing 4 college teacher sr. year) would say...'Ajay...things...really- that is so broad...and not a good writing word.'--but Ms. Scott..... I think about many things....so that is the word I'm using to describe it.
Sometimes I think about what I'm thinking about...and then I think about how I started thinking about that....and then it's just a thinking fiasco....
Webster defines thinking as the process of using your mind to consider something carefully.
I think...ha. that I tend to think too much. Bah....enough with that...I'm bored with that Topic.


So I met with Elvin and Greg tonight....I don't know if intimidated is the word...but I'm gonna use it...Von Steuben scares me right now....We have nothing there... I don't know where to start...and well I don't have to know...but I do. ha. Relying on God entirely for this. Faith...it's the only thing that remains constant in my Life.....Use it. I am Trusting. I don't want to do what I want to do though....but maybe that is what needs to be done....but I don't even know that yet. Yikes. Starting from Scratch. Elvin Trusts me so much. He truly has faith that I am capable of going into a High School and start Young Life....that is something that people that are on Young Life staff do....even if they do that. EF... ha. Elvin called my parents last week thanking them for letting him have me up here. lol. Wow. Building my team....That is my goal for this semester. Just hang out with these College kids.... and Mentor them....Uh... I have never done this before. Grant me the Wisdom oh Lord my God!

So in the book I have been reading....it's about the 60-60 experience that John Burke did at his church in Texas.....So basically every 60 min. for 60 days....or for life. lol. So every 60 min...you get something that interrupts you...watch...reminders too...anything. And the Goal is an ongoing min-min conversation of willingness with God. So every time you are reminded you remember that God is with you, and reengage in conversation with him. Reflect every hour on the character of God...Thank him for that throughout the day. So basically * the goal is to stay consciously aware all through your day that God is with you and desires loving, trusting relationship. staying in this contact....he will lead you into the life that you desire (which is the life he desires for you). It's kind of a lot...and maybe confusing....but I'm excited. And I want to get a partner in this....to just talk about it with and go along side each other in this process..and see how God works. It will be hard for a while....But uh...constant communication with God. It's something that I did very well Freshman year through Breath Prayers (Props to Brad Nassif--LOVE HIM and that Class).

**So with that... I have been thinking about the question of --What do I desire? like Truly Desire... and How am I trying to get it? I have been thinking about my Desires for this school year...for this week even....and for my life. It's hard. And where do I honestly struggle to trust God's Love or goodness?
It's so hard to see that God provides through Love. Because I know right now what I am feeling is pain.....weird pain. It's like that thing in your chest (the way that I would describe it to Lori..haha)
--And I know that I desire to be full and not alone. But Loneliness is always there...and well I know that....and we constantly talk about this...And filling that Loneliness with You..(Christ) is enough...and you provide everything else..and that's true. and I believe that....but I am human. So that's hard. ---yikes my thoughts are jumbled and all over the place and are confusing me.

--My team is I don't even know. I just hope they don't get in trouble....and I hope some of them realize their potential before they end up like I did.....You don't want to represent yourself like that....and other mistakes come along with that....I know....Uh

Identity

I'm pretty I don't even know how to describe it right now. I went out with the girls tonight because Caroline was going...and I don't want her to drink...she has so much potential. And I don't know if that is even it. I just see people doing things that I did and it frustrates me because I know what it is like to be lost in finding your identity...whether you want that Identity to be represented through Christ or in Christ....or whether you want to be someone else...and maybe you are that someone else...but I believe everyone has a way weller....Shalom.... way of representing themselves I guess. But I think a lot of things that don't make sense....or that others are completely confused about. But it's okay...I'm just trying to find my play in all of this I guess. It's so old though...like for them...doesn't it get that way...
I guess it takes a very long time for people to see that. I mean it took my father years....I'm just so blessed that God is providing me strength to do this now...and that he has made it old for me.

My parents came to my game today...and then I rode home with them...and well it was so fun. We drove down the Lake the whole way...and stopped at a park on the way. And it was so fun. And ah.. I Love them so much. And they care about me in a way that makes life with them...or the way that I Love them so different from everyone else. I just have to ask for Patience when I am with them...But well they are older and they don't really care what people think of them...and that's awesome. I respect them so much for everything that they do...and their Faith...it is so evident that they are growing together in Christ more everyday. I just want to represent them as well when I am forming my identity. They are definitely two people that I do not want to disappoint. I know that no matter what I do in life they will always be proud of me...but I want to respect them...and by being a person of Faith....an uncomfortable Faith is what I want to be for them. And well I make mistakes....EVERYDAY. but it happens. Uh I Love them.
They Bought a new car on Friday...and I'm excited for them. ha. It's great to see them experience things together.
--------
There are some people that are in my life right now that make me I don't even know. But they are so good for me to have in my life. BLESSED. and Why. Grace....It's crazy. I'll never fully understand it...and that's what makes it so AWEsome. And I'm okay with not understanding...but I don't really understand a lot of things. But lately I have been questioning things more....I think Meghan rubbed off on my there a lil' but....but being with Lori this summer rubbed off on my even more....and it's so GREAT! Well it's very late....No School tomorrow...NO Practice...I'm sleeping for a while...watching Grey's....and making myself Breakfast....

Dave Barnes- Grace's Amazing Hands..Beautiful

Grace's amazing hands, they hold me.
They are soft as a feather bed.
They would never strike or scold me,
Cause they know the words that will work instead.
I always thought that love was frightening,
I always thought it'd be so rough.
Love has sent me down an angel, baby
I knew it was Grace, just by a touch.
Just by her touch.
Grace's amazing hands, they're ugly,
They're bruised by the blows that I have blown.
She knows well I don't deserve her,
But she laughs and says, That's the way love goes.
I always thought that love was frightening,
I always thought it'd be so rough.
Love has sent me down an angel baby,
And I knew it was Grace, just by her touch.
Just by her touch.
What did I do,
What did I say?
For love to smile down on me,
And show me amazing grace.
C'mon and show me grace
Grace's amazing hands are they're ugly,
But they are soft as a feather bed.

What a Picture

Can we just talk about how much I Love Love right now. lol. If that makes sense. Tonight I played Euchre with the girls again...and then afterwords Caroline and I played the guitar and Kara sang...and cindy...but Uh Kara! Just singing and playing with that group...I could feel Love. Just closing my eyes and hearing Kara. LOVE.
I'm so blessed to be living right next to Kara. Cuz I know if we didn't these things wouldn't be happening. Well I can't say that cuz well God has the upper hand to that. But God is making all of this happen...and I Love it!

Tomorrow is a very busy day.
1st real game. Lets see if the old lady still has it. lol.