Love You

I'm So Blessed with the Wonderful people that are in my Life

Finding yourself...

I found myself last night...God shows up when you ask him to.

What people think doesn't bother me....What people say doesn't bother me...But I'm not a push over. I am 19 years old. I can take care of myself. When I go home I get taken care of by my parents...But I didn't have that growing up. I talked to my Dad about that this weekend. I told him that he doesn't need to fill my car up with gas everytime I come home...or take care of me. But he said he wants to. He told me I will always be his dad...and he is making up for the first 11 years of my life. Which is fair enough. Him taking care of me is just out of Love. True Love. And I see that. I take him for granted so much.
I can't wait till he figures out I am taking him to a Cub's game in May... I'm not going to tell him until that Morning-he knows we are doing something...but he doesn't know what yet...It's my turn to give back to him.


I don't want to push you away. I know God's will is going to be done in this--But the time seems so short. We always have this conversation...but it's just too hard for me. I'm not like this with others. I'm so used to loosing people...I guess I'm just tired of being used to that.


It's time for new friends... Here we go again. But I'm okay with it. I have a lil' over a month of school left...then I start all over. I can be distant from people for that long no problem...and well over the summer I don't keep in contact with anyone anyways...I suck at long distance so it will be fine. Now I just need guidance on who to stay close to.


I saw some people that I loved tonight... It was great... all in one place. It brought so much Joy to my heart. Seeing people I never see, and also ones that I always see...But they still make me smile more then anything when I see them. LOVE YOU!



I need to work on this presentation... I worked so hard on the paper.. this needs to be good and show all of the hard work that I put into the paper...B/c I know that the other kids in my class didn't take as much time as I did... That Frusterates me...

It was all Inside

Saturday after talking to Lauren...I needed to do something about what just happened. I drove back to that place....Back to that 'Jefferson and Bondurant.' And it Rained... It rained so hard. I stood there, right there, with my arms open wide; Letting God Reign down on me. "I can't, You must, I'm Yours...Show me the way."
God really knows how to show up when you go to that place. Wherever that place is; I encourage you to go there-be 'naked' with God. Be real. Allow him to reveal himself to you. It's so easy to think to yourself...'Well God already knows about that' or 'I don't even know what is wrong with me'- When really you just have to be completely real with God, and just let it all out...
Then I encourage you to go out this week and be real with People. Go out and have true conversation with someone. Be open...Challenge your heart...Challenge their heart...Love that person. Glorify God together through your relationship. Cuz honestly relationships that are completely honoring to God seem rare to me. Hold eachother accountable through something. Watch you and that person grow...Watch God take ahold of that relationship...

Go out and find that 'Jefferson and Bondurant.'

Obedience

The message from Church today... wow. is all that I can say. I miss my church alot... and I didn't even go. lol. I just listened to the message in the car. I forgot how challenging Cal (our pastor) actually is. I need to start listening to the Podcasts.

Having Deep roots of Obedience for Christ..
God has a purpose for me RIGHT now. How am I going to live that?
Romans 1:5

What happens when you truly Obey God?
1. Obedience displays your true Identity
2. It displays your love for Jesus Christ
3. It releases a life of Impact and Power.
'If this is what you want me to do, I will carry it for you.'
4. It protects you from self inflicted wounds.
1 Peter 5:8....

-I need to come back to the cross daily...Obtain Power over sin
-Feed on God's word Daily. James 1:25
-Speak God's word Daily...By Faith declare it.

Went Back to that place

I Love Lauren...
She Loves me....True, pure, I can see Jesus through her type of Love. That girl knows my true potential... and She's not afraid to tell me. She has the right to tell me. She has the right to throw a bottle of Diet Pepsi at me. I deserved it. And I still do. I told her everything. Details are hard for me...so didn't go into alot of detail. But she knows. And she still loves me more then I could ever imagine. I didn't want to ruin the time we had together...but we were just going to sit in her room and talk anyways... and she knew something was up with me...
'Ashley-This isn't you' Thats what she told me..thats what I know.. but hearing it from her....expecially her using my first name...Meant something.

Well I'm leaving the Church to go meet back up with the girls... I Love them... Hope they had a good time as well. Ha.

Don't Even Know

I have so many emotions going on inside of my right now. One is that I'm so sorry. But that is beside the point.


What's the point in asking that question. I'm so frusterated right now. I can't even control this. And I don't know why it makes me cry. Today was such a great day. I don't even know what to say about that. Why would you ask that question? If I would have said 'Yes I am'...would you have done anything. So then would you have called me to talk it through. Eh I'm done with this before I get myself into trouble...


I make mistakes...Things slip... I'm sorry that I offend you with words that I say. I'm trying really hard, and I had been doing so good. Help me to Glorify you with my mouth! I cannot do it on my own.

LOVE

I don't even know if you are even worth any of this...I need to drop it so I don't have to worry about what you think. That's not what it should be about anyways.

I get to go home tomorrow.... I get to see my parents.. SO HAPPY! I miss them SOOO much. LOVE....I need to be reminded of what that looks like.


The girls won tonight... SO GOOD! so happy about that. Those girls make me so happy. Right now I can't say that about a lot of things.

....

I don't even know what to think of this....Disappointment... Do I feel that? I don't know... I need to get out of here.. and Go home. I'm so blessed that I actually do get to go home this weekend. I need a 'hug.' I haven't had one of those hugs where you are just like uh...Where everything feels okay again... I need my 'daddy' hug...as Lopez would say. I look for Love in all of the wrong places. C'mon AJAY!... really.

I take advantage of the people that are around me. They are not going to be with me physically for that much longer. And well I'm bad at keeping in touch with people. God blesses me with great people and I don't even see them, or make time for them. Even taking time out of my life to go on a walk or sit down with them for an hour and just talk...

**I can't, You must, I'm Yours, Show Me the Way!**

Twitter

Is this what Communication is going to turn into? I think Twitter is interesting. I joined after a workshop I attended this weekend..and it's good for things with it comes to YoungLife and getting ideas from different people.... But will people actually replace this with friends....That sounds crazy... But people live their lives like that. It's easy for them to remain someone else behind the computer or with their phone.

Happy For Him

'O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?

How long will you look the other way?

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,

with sorrom in my heart every day?

How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.

Don't let my enemies gloat, saying, 'We have defeated him!'

Don't let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.

I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

I will sing to the Lord

because he is good to me!-Psalm 13

It really makes me happy that Mike is really enjoying where he's at in life right now. It's been a while for him. I know he has been struggling a lot with a variety of things when it comes to moving a lot and just real life in general. He's still set on trying to convince me to move out there... Why would I do such a thing... I Love it here... and well my Family. But that's a whole other story of itself.

*God is so good! and he brings people into our lives at the most perfect moments. I am so blessed with the people that I have around me. Seeing Jesus through people is one of the most powerful things. And I love it!

Back to the Paper...haha

Things that people say

This weekend was good. Friday I had that seminar for class-and it went well. Then I just watched some College Basketball and went to bed...Lame I know but it was good.

Saturday I had the seminar all day. But a day well spent. Jesus really knows how to meet you at the table the way you are. It's amazing. 'I'll take you as is.' Those words are so powerful. So now I have to read one of the 2 books that I purchased that were written by a couple of the speakers and do an assignment on them. I'm really excited to read them....Time wise not excited lol. but just to learn more about the things that we talked about and to share them with other people. I'm so passionate about sharing things with other people-- I really miss that part of the community that I have back home. eh anyways the books are Sacred Space and Shaped by the Story. So yeah that's great.

I went to the baseball game as well...Always a good time--Miss going with Leann.-- But afterwards I went and hung out with the Von Soccer team--SO that was a ton of fun. Owned kids in Rock Band! lol But after that I went and watch Twilight with a couple of the girls and that was good.. and well yeah. Church on Sunday was good--Prolly one of the best that I have been to while attending this church that I have been going to.

One thing that has really been bothering me lately is the way that people just throw around words. Words that don't have positive meaning. I'm guilty of this far more than anyone I know and that bother's me a ton. So I'm trying to clean my mouth up. And I told myself that last night... and already today I've noticed that other people say it alot. Shoot while walking home from the baseball game there was a security guard using the 'F' word like it was his business while holding a HS kid that busted out a window. Okay the kid did something really bad...but honestly...don't talk to him like that. but oh well.. I told the security guard to watch his mouth..lol. and well him and the kid just looked at me.

I Love Tatum. Last night we were at Ana's and we were playing a game and the other girls found out I was a Virgin and then they saw the ring on my finger. They started to like get on my about it...and like why am I doing what I'm doing...and what's the point in saving it and stuff. Which I was fine about cuz I didn't really care--I get that stuff all of the time. But Tatum like told them how much she respected me for it, and how like good it is that I do that and she wishes she could have done that... and just things like that. I was really surprised. And I didn't even think about it till I woke up today and really thought about what she did. That was so great of her. And something that she didn't have to do cuz I wasn't that upset about it. So yeah. Thanks Tay.

I get to see my family this weekend! And Lauren... So great. I like already feel this weight of homesick...which I have never really had. lol. being lifted off of my shoulders. And roadtripping to Milikin will be fun as well. The girls are Great!!

March Madness!

So getting up today was so hard... Ha why.... I don't know cuz I'm pretty sure I got 9 hours of sleep. If I didn't have to meet with my partner for a class at 10:30 I would have kept on sleeping until Noon... when the NCAA tournament was back on...
And the only reason I'm awake right now is because I'm watching 4 games right now. bah

The topics course tonight was so good... And I'm really excited for the sessions tomorrow...Challenging and so good.

Tonight in one of the Seminars we talked about reading the Bible like it is the first time you have ever read it. We did it with the Creation story tonight and it was so good. Taking a story that you know so well...and Acting like you have never heard it before. I can't wait to study the Bible with people this summer and use these tools. Or mabes I will do it with someone here at school.

**God is Sooo Good.

Sleeping to help ease my pain

Change is Hard... I know that-If it were easy well changes would happen all of the time. Doing it alone is even harder. ha. And I know I'm not 'alone' in doing this...God is always there. But thats different. Especially when people don't think you can do it. But I'm used to that, and it makes it harder...but usually I don't care...but this time I do...And I will succeed. I know it will take time, and I'll need help--not sure what that looks like yet.
I know that I can do this.. And well I've been good with it so far. Eh oh well...

*This is like the latest that I have been up all week--Besides Tuesday night. This is so great. ha. And I don't even have classes Monday, Wednesday, Friday and I go to bed at like 10:30 or 11, then I wake up in the morning and shower and do HW....and by HW I mean think about all of the things that I have to do. haha. But I'm fine with going to be early. Last year at this time my sleeping habits were very unhealthy...Mike being 2 hours behind did not help at all. I would stay up all night talking to him...and then sleep all day and go to the 2 classes that I had during B quad that didn't start until 1pm anyways. So I slept all day... Thats why things were so much easier last year. Sleep--Everything is easier that way. But I can't allow myself to do what I did in HS...Getting to that point is a place I do not want to go back too. Even the way that I was last year... that wasn't healthy. I never left my room..and that was easy b/c I didn't have a roommate. All I needed was my relationship with God, and what I had with Mike. Going out into the real world was too hard for me. It's a good way to keep myself out of trouble. ha. But that's not the way to do it. And you're still Alone when you do that. When you sleep you don't think about it....but those times when you are awake....Time passes so slow-and yeah you do HW...but you can't always just do homework... eh. Anyways...
I'm going to bed--Helwig is calling my name in the morning...working out always gets me through

With an Open Hand

I'm Scared... And it hurts.
This is really out of nowhere> but I know it is what I'm feeling. There is no hiding this from myself. I put my relationships in an open hand... I can't close it. If I close it; it will hurt more when it's over. But if I leave it open...that's unfair, and doesn't allow for growth or trust or anything.

*I am so blessed though. I Love my family so Much. I called my mom today, and it was just so nice to talk to her and for it to just be normal conversation. My sister was over with Isabella...And I know for my mom that is so Great! and that puts her in a better mood. So then I called my Dad...He really knows how to make me feel so good about myself. I'm so blessed for that. He's so great, and I miss him so much. He really wants to come up and see me 2 and take me out to lunch with probs a friend. lol. He was going to this weekend... But I have that topics course- so that blows. He really wants to be apart of this life that I have up here... Like he wants to have my friends over for a bbq lol. or take us out for pizza. I am so blessed for the relationship I have with him. Love is so hard for me and he does a great job of helping me see Love.

I can't wait for summer--To be with my friends. and Not care about anything. and Just work and read and workout. Leave all of the stress of school and everything that is here behind. It's so close I can taste it...but so far away that I can't see it. This is going to be a long quad for me. And interesting when it comes to Relationships. We'll see though. I need to set up some coffee dates for sure with people--Thats nice about having a couple days off from class--

*Leann- gets back in April....I really cannot wait. I was thinking about that alot today. And I miss her so much. Especially this week with it being so nice... I miss our walks...Greatest Conversations! Uh. So great. Love her!

On the Corner of Jefferson and Bondurant...

This is so hard for me. And I'm ruining it. I know that I am. It's going to crash and burn. And I'm going to be left. Where I started. Or even farther back. I always take myself back to that place....That place where I see who I am, or who I was, or who I am supposed to be. Jefferson and Bondurant- what does that mean to me. It should mean the world. If I could go back there, this would all probs be fine between us. But I can't go back. So I have to start over. Find my new 'Jefferson and Bondurant.' Maybe that's what all of this means.

-I know something is up...But I can't figure it out. I wish you were completely straight with me, all of the time. I need to listen... and I need to talk...Communicate....How are you supposed to know what's going on. How do you trust me if I don't open up to you more? I'm sorry for holding back.

I dont know what I'm feeling....Or is that what I always say because what I'm feeling is something that I don't want to feel-or is it somethng that I shouldn't feel...Something bothers me, but I don't want to look like I'm complaining, or I just want to be 'whatever' about it. So my feelings make me cry--maybe I don't want to accept the real fact that I'm crying...so I say I don't know why? Mabes I just don't want other people to know? but why is that? so I try to make it something else?

*Sacrificial Living-- What does that mean in my own life?

--Offering God my BIGGEST and my Best... So what is that?

+God will you make us a people that LOVE you!+

--------giving up myself-----

Today is Crissy's (my sister) Birthday. 32. I wonder when she was my age what she thought she was going to be at 32. Or when she was 17...what did she think life at 32 was going to be cuz at 19 she was alright gone. **Be with her* I worry about her so much. It breaks my heart. I use to want to be just like her....hopefully I don't turn into her. I think about her everyday and just wonder> why? what? how? WHEN? where?>>I've always chewed on that...never figured it out.

Tomorrow's a New day

15

1.) So Beautiful outside--Greatest mood ever!
2.) Can't go to the Baseball game tonight--BOO Nightclass!
3.) Being back @ North Park kind of sucks. lol.
4.) Being back to Coach at Von is GREAT!! Love it!
5.) Florida was Amazing!
6.) Excited to go out tonight!
7.) Not excited to wait until practice is over at 11pm. to go out though.
8.) Love not having class Mon, Wed, Friday.
9.) The friends that I have are Great!
10.) Meghan you're great!
11.) MARCH MADNESS!!! Thats all that needs to be said!
12.) Can't wait to see my Dad.
13.) I'm totally pumped for my living situation next year!
14.) Also can't wait to play 2-2 tomorrow night!
15.) I feel like a new person...

You're the reason that's got me thinkin...

What a great week!

I can't even describe it. Florida was so good- The weather couldn't have been better. And the community was great. I am so grateful for the time that I got to spend quality people. I thought it was going to be so hard not going home for break... but I didn't even think about it. And well now I will be home in like a month for Easter. Can't wait!

*God is so good. I can feel him working inside and out. He has really got me thinking. This past week was a really good time of reflection for me. Just seeing him work through other people. Being able to run on the beach in the morning by myself and just stair at the Ocean and all of God's creation thinking about where I'm going in life and how I want to get there.

-I was reminded what it means to Love someone. I was reminded what it looks like to care about someone and I saw how to really invest time in people and just LOVE.

So much more I could say about SB09... But mabes I will save that for another time.

Back to North Park...Good and Bad.

There is something wrong with Tatum. She doesn't talk to me anymore. And I don't understand. We don't keep in touch for a week--so what happened? Someone even asked me today if there was something going on between her and I.... So confused. Here we go again.

This is really hard for me, bc it happens all of the time. We will fade out by not really talking anymore and then well we won't be friends anymore.--Praying about it--

Mike- what to do. I told him how I felt. and well he hasn't talked to me since Saturday night-so we'll see. He's coming out here in May- but I might not be here because it's right when school is out- and well I'm prolly not staying for Graduation. I feel like it's going to be so awkward if we see eachother anyways. uh. I don't know. Well OTH is on tonight. So that will be fun.... or well if Tatum is there mabes not so good... I might go watch it with Sarah instead. UH!

Wait for Tomorrow...You'll be Alright

It's over between them..What does this mean?

I want her to realize that she doesn't need to be with someone- She's so much more fun when she isn't with anyone--Or at least someone worth putting time and effort into. She has turned into this person that she always told me she never wanted to be. I don't get it. And now shes not with him- she is going to walk right back into my life--she already wants to hang out tonight.. and well thats fine. It's okay that this whole semester she hasn't come to hang out with me. It's fine. and we will live together next year- and thats great. I have been praying about that all week, and nothing else has come up--so it's happening. we are going to live together, and it will be fine.
I want her to see how great she is. How she can change. What she has become doesn't have to be the person she's going to be. I'm going through that same thing right now, but it's fine. I'm fine.

**So many things to do before Thursday. 4 tests-2 in which I need to see if I can take early, 3 papers- 2 in which I need to turn in early, 134 pages to read, and some laundry and that type of stuff... Oh man- hopefully I survive this week. I will get it all done though-and I'll be exhausted, but when it's all over---FLORIDA!