Don't Be afraid

Today my parents called me and told me that my grandma fell again and this time she broke her wrist...This scares me so much-she is the healthiest person and shes really old...and I just don't want to imagine life without her yet. I am trusting in God with this whole situation...There are just alot of things I want my grandma to be around for. I would like to be done with school, and be able to spend more time with her after school, and have her see me in a career, and be at my wedding... But that is all in God's hands. But she had surgery tonight at 5. So I'll call my dad tomorrow to see how she is doing. And I really wanted my dad to come up for the Wesleyan game tomorrow and go out for Pizza. I want to see my mom too. But I really just want to hang out with my dad all day. My mom has come up on her own before....It's his turn. Ew I sound really needy. I just haven't missed home or components of home like this before. And then this thing with my grandma happens. She is one of my closest friends. uhh

I know I've lowered my standards for some things this year. But one thing I haven't done it for is being in a relationship. That is one thing that I take pride in. I don't just date anyone. and people know that. I was even hesitant to date Mike at first. But he was quality. And well he still is. Mike has alot of things in him that I look for in a guy...but he has some things that I just don't feel like putting up with. And thats fine. We still talk...whether that is healthy or not...I think I'm fine with it. But I'm REALLY picky. I want to marry someone like my dad...and well he sets that bar really high. And well maybe this guy is that...but we don't know e/o yet. I just don't want him to get the wrong idea. I just want to hang out and be friends....and stopped lowering my standards...and just wait for that guy that is good enough to actually date...
I'm perfectly content right now not being with someone. I need to learn how to love God with my whole heart first, then I will be okay with being with someone else. I just don't want to waste a guy's time if my heart isn't complete. And I know I need to start that with respect for myself...and demanding respect from other people I guess.

I couldn't be more blessed with a friendship that I have right now... It's perfect. Especially without some people back home....and well with Leann in Bolivia. And it breaks my heart to see her upset with things..and to think that she isn't worthy of being called a Great friend. I couldnt ask for anything better. It's so weird to be so needy..lol. But she came at the best possible point in my life...and uh God is so good. I do not deserve to be blessed the way that he has blessed me. I know that my parents deserve it so much though. I feel like thats a huge reason why God blesses me so much. They are such great people. And Faith. wow. My dad has faith like no one I know. I'm so blessed to have them. Even the first 12 years of my life. Like yeah I didn't have a relationship and life sucked then....but I feel like that is what makes us so close.