Talk it out...

This sickness is going away....thank God.
--I'm still very emotional....which is weird cuz I'm an emotional person to start out with... but being broken (I guess that is what this is) has a lot to do with it. My heart breaks for other people right now...just peoples lives and they way that they live...or the ways that they see things. I understand people see things differently...but living like this is annoying to me. Okay God....I'm not comfortable...now what are you going to do with this. I guess I'm just gonna vent a little bit right now....which is something that I try to avoid on here....but I need to.
So tonight I'm on the phone with Katie....about meeting up....Michelle (current roommate) is like shouting the EF bomb....which slightly annoys me for many reasons....so I get off of the phone....Dude language check....that could have been my Mom on the phone.....So she uses the Ef word a lot and talks about how she doesn't care---well I do...and I have respect for me Mom and what she hears....or in this case Katie---the she continues to say I have been on my period for 2 weeks I have a reason to be like this....TIME OUT!--I don't care if you are dieing...you have no reason to not act out of Love....So then I walked off quickly...and cried...What the Heck AJAY! crying because of that...I just think that she is stressing me out...cuz Love is hard in this situation. Lord teach me to Love the unlovable.
Last night was really hard to..cuz I honestly felt like I was dieing in bed....and she was yelling with a friend in the apartment....Sarah even told her I was sleeping...but I don't get it. She is like a child....It's okay. My dad said sometimes people just need someone to take care of them in life....I need to get past my Independence and remember that some people need to be taken care of I guess. Uh. I'm done...I hate complaining.

So John Burke in Soul Revolution brought up a great point the other night...and it has been making me think for the past few days.--"If we stubbornly plug our ears to God's will in ONE area, we won't hear in ANY area." So like if I feel a little nudge....and I don't go out on a limb in Faith....It will be harder for me to hear that Nudge...or feel that nudge for the bigger things in my life. Take for instance....recently- 'Ash...you should call her right now.' So I don't cuz I'm like why... that's weird, we are both to busy for each other. an hour later- 'Ash you should call her' anyways you get the point... I don't. So instead of taking that small leap of Faith and calling that person...I'm plugging my ears to God's will in One area...that's just a small example. So I haven't trained myself to openly hear all of God's will(s) upon my life....so hearing bigger will(s) becomes harder....cuz I haven't trained myself....I don't know if that makes sense....but it hit me.
-I haven't been allowing myself to truly rely on my Faith lately. I have Faith God will provide community....But I don't live that way. I still go out on Saturday nights with the community I feel comfortable in....Why? I have Faith tattooed on my Body....It's there for a reminder...ah. anyways. Come on Ash!


**--Today Larry Acosta spoke at Chapel....One thing he said really stuck with me.
"It's that pain that allows me to be more Relevant to the people around me."
---SuAnne pretty much said that exact same thing to me this summer when I came home. It was just reassuring... And the follow up to that in my own life....is that Change that is being made...that has been made....that allows me to be even MORE Relevant to the people around me. What do people see when they see me now?--that girl that didn't care how she was representing herself and the way that she was representing Christ---or that girl that wakes up daily trying to allow the Holy Spirit to take control of her life and lead her through the mess of life?


I want to live my life....the way that a child lives every day.....I want to have Faith like a child has Faith. I want my Faith to be new and renewed everyday. Dieing daily because of that Faith..
This post has to end.....Goodnight.